i accept

There is a feel of loss in my thoughts today ,a loss that cud have been my life’s oxygen ,the reason for me to reenergize .but am happy at the same time cuz the reason for me to reenergize cud turn out to be the reasons loss. I confess that I have gone wrong in all my decisions and I accept that I am my own grave digger, but am i that unlucky that I don’t get a second chance?. All I cud say is that am sorry my dear life that I have wasted you……………

May goodness lead you ,and let the deaf hear and blind see

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see"

well done rahmaniacs ,by capturing the life of all those orphans on the I Day.

For rahmaniacs ,my salaam

തേച്നോലോഗി

മാത്തൂര്‍ ഭാഷ മലയാളം ആണെങ്ങില്ലും ,വയികാനും എഴുതാനും അറിയാത്ത ചില്ല മനുശരില്‍ ഞാനും ഉള്പടുന്നു , സ്സ്ല്ക് വരെ തമിള്‍ ആയിര്രുനു രേന്ടാം ഭാഷ ,വളരെ കഷ്ടപട്ടു ജെയിച്ചു .അതില്‍ പിന്നേ ഫ്രെന്ച്ച് ആയിരുന്നു രേന്ടാം ഭാഷ .വെല്‍ ഇഫ് യു ആരെ കന്ഫുസേദ് ദാറ്റ് ഹൌ ഡോ ഐ വ്രിറെ ഇന്‍ മലയാളം ? വെല്‍ ടെക്നോളജി ,ദാമന്‍ .......ഓനെ ഫൈന്‍ ഇയര്‍ ലങ്ങുഅങേസ് വില്‍ ബി എ പാര്‍ട്ട് ഓഫ് ഹിസ്റ്ററി ആന്‍ഡ് ടെക്നോളജി വില്‍ ടെസിടെ വാട്ട് ലാംഗ്വേജ് ടോ സ്പീക് ആന്‍ഡ് ടോ വ്ഹോം ടോ സ്പീക് ,,എഫ്ഫെക്ട്സ് ആരെ കൂള്‍ ബട്ട് സൈഡ് എഫ്ഫെക്ട്സ് ???????????????????



i know i know that any one reading this wud be laughing like hell ,this is just a try.

பாரதி உன் உளறல் இன்றும் ஒலிக்கிறது

தனி ஒரு மனிதனுக்கு உணவு இல்லை எனில் இந்த ஜகத்தினை அழித்திடுவோம்.



He who writes poetry is not a poet. He whose poetry has become his life, and who has made his life his poetry - it is he who is a poet." - Bharathy

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”

global we say when it comes to warming ,but isnt we whoa to blamed?

Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed
----Mahatma Gandhi ----
As I sit in here with the 4 walls and the ceiling protecting me ,a thin ray of sun gives me the much needed warmth but then is this the same somewhere in the Sahara desert ?.Sun burns the skin of young and old,1000 dead due to sun stroke. I might not sound that scientific ,the topic might be ,the issue surrounding these sudden changes in the climate which meets either ends of the extreme, every deed has a scientific reason .Like , why are the hurricane more stronger that strikes the northern America ? , why should the sea water slowly be deprived of its salty characteristic?, reasons: we are, Why blame it on a terminology called Global Warming , I might sound more emotional than scientific that is because I believe that the topic need an emotional way of dealing, there is so much happening in this world that we get carried away and we just take a few issues for granted, and these few issues will determine the future of this world we live in.
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."----Mahatma Gandhi

me

stay ,stay ,stayyyyyyyyyyyyy,miles to go ,miles to go .i wrote it now am playing it ,,,,i should change it....................life my life...

Mahmoud Darwish

"i thought poetry could change everything,could change history and could humanise.and i think that the illusion is very necessary to push poets to be involved and to belive.but now i think that poetry changes only the poet"---------Mahmoud Darwish---------

Under Siege
By Mahmoud Darwish -1942-2008
Here on the slopes of hills, facing the dusk and the cannon of time

Close to the gardens of broken shadows,

We do what prisoners do,

And what the jobless do:

We cultivate hope.
***A country preparing for dawn. We grow less intelligent

For we closely watch the hour of victory:

No night in our night lit up by the shelling

Our enemies are watchful and light the light for us

In the darkness of cellars.
***Here there is no “I”.Here Adam remembers the dust of his clay.
***On the verge of death, he says:

I have no trace left to lose:Free I am so close to my liberty.

My future lies in my own hand.Soon I shall penetrate my life,

I shall be born free and parentless,

And as my name I shall choose azure letters…
***You who stand in the doorway, come in,

Drink Arabic coffee with us

And you will sense that you are men like us

You who stand in the doorways of houses

Come out of our morningtimes,

We shall feel reassured to beMen like you!
***When the planes disappear, the white, white doves

Fly off and wash the cheeks of heaven

With unbound wings taking radiance back again,

taking possessionOf the ether and of play.

Higher, higher still, the white, white doves

Fly off. Ah, if only the sky

Were real [a man passing between two bombs said to me].
***Cypresses behind the soldiers, minarets protecting

The sky from collapse. Behind the hedge of steel

Soldiers piss—under the watchful eye of a tank—And the autumnal day ends its golden wandering inA street as wide as a church after Sunday mass…
***[To a killer] If you had contemplated the victim’s face

And thought it through, you would have remembered your mother in theGas chamber,

you would have been freed from the reason for the rifle

And you would have changed your mind: this is not the wayto find one’s identity again.
***The siege is a waiting period

Waiting on the tilted ladder in the middle of the storm.
***Alone, we are alone as far down as the sediment

Were it not for the visits of the rainbows.
***We have brothers behind this expanse.Excellent brothers.

They love us. They watch us and weep.

Then, in secret, they tell each other:“Ah! if this siege had been declared…”

They do not finish their sentence:“Don’t abandon us, don’t leave us.”
***Our losses: between two and eight martyrs each day.

And ten wounded.And twenty homes.And fifty olive trees…

Added to this the structural flaw thatWill arrive at the poem,

the play, and the unfinished canvas.
***A woman told the cloud: cover my beloved

For my clothing is drenched with his blood.
***If you are not rain, my love

Be treeSated with fertility, be treeIf you are not tree,

my loveBe stoneSaturated with humidity, be stone

If you are not stone, my love Be moon

In the dream of the beloved woman, be moon[So spoke a womanto her son at his funeral]
***Oh watchmen! Are you not wearyOf lying in wait for the light in our saltAnd of the incandescence of the rose in our woundAre you not weary, oh watchmen?
***
A little of this absolute and blue infinityWould be enoughTo lighten the burden of these timesAnd to cleanse the mire of this place.
***It is up to the soul to come down from its mountAnd on its silken feet walkBy my side, hand in hand, like two longtimeFriends who share the ancient breadAnd the antique glass of wineMay we walk this road togetherAnd then our days will take different directions:I, beyond nature, which in turnWill choose to squat on a high-up rock.
***On my rubble the shadow grows green,And the wolf is dozing on the skin of my goatHe dreams as I do, as the angel doesThat life is here…not over there.
***In the state of siege, time becomes spaceTransfixed in its eternityIn the state of siege, space becomes timeThat has missed its yesterday and its tomorrow.
***The martyr encircles me every time I live a new dayAnd questions me: Where were you? Take every wordYou have given me back to the dictionariesAnd relieve the sleepers from the echo’s buzz.
***The martyr enlightens me: beyond the expanseI did not lookFor the virgins of immortality for I love lifeOn earth, amid fig trees and pines,But I cannot reach it, and then, too, I took aim at itWith my last possession: the blood in the body of azure.
***The martyr warned me: Do not believe their ululationsBelieve my father when, weeping, he looks at my photographHow did we trade roles, my son, how did you precede me.I first, I the first one!
***The martyr encircles me: my place and my crude furniture are all that
I have changed.I put a gazelle on my bed,And a crescent of moon on my fingerTo appease my sorrow.
***The siege will last in order to convince us we must choose an
enslavement that does no harm, in fullest liberty!
***Resisting means assuring oneself of the heart’s health,The health of the testicles and of your tenacious disease:The disease of hope.
***And in what remains of the dawn, I walk toward my exteriorAnd in what remains of the night, I hear the sound of footsteps inside me.
***Greetings to the one who shares with me an attention toThe drunkenness of light, the light of the butterfly, in theBlackness of this tunnel!
***Greetings to the one who shares my glass with meIn the denseness of a night outflanking the two spaces:Greetings to my apparition.
***My friends are always preparing a farewell feast for me,A soothing grave in the shade of oak treesA marble epitaph of timeAnd always I anticipate them at the funeral:Who then has died…who?
***Writing is a puppy biting nothingnessWriting wounds without a trace of blood.
***Our cups of coffee. Birds green trees

In the blue shade, the sun gambols from one wallTo another like a gazelle

The water in the clouds has the unlimited shape of what is left to us

Of the sky. And other things of suspended memories

Reveal that this morning is powerful and splendid,

And that we are the guests of eternity.
-Translated by Marjolijn De Jager.
Source

when the dust ,sands and pebbels cover his body

his words will rise awake from the minds of those people

who belive in freedom-------------Biju syed--------

Yeh Raaten ,yeh mausam.........

the song thatz haunting me ,smooth,with pathos hidden some where but its a love duet well cant figure out y ? but i juz like the feel.sung by ashaji and kishore da ,movie dilli ka thug..

Yeh raaten, yeh mausam,
nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Kaha do dilon ne,ke milkar kabhi hum na honge judaa
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam,nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Yeh kya baat hai, aaj ki chandni mein
Yeh kya baat hai, aajki chandni mein
Ke hum kho gaye, pyaar ki raagani mein
Yeh bahon mein baahen,yeh behkinigahen Lo aane laga zindagi ka maza
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara, yeh chanchal hawa
Sitaron ki mehfil ne karke ishara
Sitaron ki mehfil ne karke ishara
Kaha ab to sara jahaan hai tumhara
Mohabbat jawaan ho, khula aasman ho Kare koi dil arzoo aur kya
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam,nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Kasam hai tumhe,tum agar mujhse roothe
Kasam hai tumhe, tum agar mujhse roothe
Rahe saans jab tak ye bandhan na toote
Tumhe dil diya hai, ye wada kiyahai
Sanam main tumhari rahoongi sada
Yeh raaten,yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchalhawa Kaha do dilon ne,
ke milkar kabhi hum na honge judaa Yeh raaten,
yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara,yeh chanchal hawa

IN-TO-ME-I-SEE,,,confession & a b-day wish

Intimacy is IN-TO-ME-I-SEE, how true, its what I see in me, how I see myself is how I see others, only some one who loves thy self can love others and I was seeing in to me and I saw many a lovely beautiful souls .I did not have the knowledge when I started falling in love with that guy on the mirror but why? Cuz I was all a sudden surrounded by people who said they loved me, not that i wasnt loved before nor they did not care for me before but here are a bunch of people who said that they loved me and I felt that the guy on the mirror wasn’t as bad as I & others projected him to myself. He was good and bad, helpful and a pain in the back, was kool and senseless but then who isn’t?have we ever given a thought that we are just human ,flesh, blood, bones a good percentage of water and that brain to top it all which decides what’s bad and good ,who’s good and bad …so its like this Sunday and Mondays ,Sunday is a good day ,you don’t have to work but Mondays are shit ,but who named them Sundays and Mondays and who made Sunday a holiday and then Monday the next day after Sunday ..well self explanatory isn’t …….its all in our mind ,a man who works 24x7 gets a day off and he wishes for a comedy cinema where he does not take his brain along in to the cinema hall, while another so called intellectual wishes for a serious cinema where in language and culture is so foreign to him/her ,well the best part is he/she never has a clue that they have been watching the second reel first and the first reel after the interval cuz they believe that’s serious cinema. No one complains cuz they are intellectuals and what if the so called human error (operator) wasn’t an error, thats what they have in their mind. So does anyone have any say? when it comes to me and my character good or bad ? Neither do I have any say on others but then we keep sayin don’t we, damn we humans …………………


So the shield of diplomacy was doing the job and even though I had my WHAT is it all about MOMENT, but then my foot! I don’t give a damn, am here for the fantabulous and no ones bringing me down. But was that it? No, no wishes were always cruel to me but then let me not go bouncing on that topic cuz am not that perfect,,,,,,,,,,,,,, some one reading this, I mean all those who have raed everything above this paragraph would say , ohhh he is sooo sweet, saint of peace but I spill that few lines on what happened during these fantabulous times then you would just spit over my face but then I have always accepted that am as normal as you and the others. And right and wrong has a thin line in between, insanity and intellectual has a thin line on between too. So what do you think? Should I say something that will let your mouth puke on my face haaaaaa well the grey or is it the dark side of me. but somewhere down ,hidden in my heart or is it the brain and I felt if not this something else ,I had to do that and no one was affected no one and if there is some one then its me cuz I needed some nights extended to have a sleepless night to do my self confession. NO I will never spill the bean not cuz some one will hate me but cuz I will start hating the whole system of existence, damn ….. Am among the worst when it comes to digging up a ditch to hide my pain, anger and confessions.



Ahhhhh …..that was inspiration at its best ,did I write some thing good or what?...ah yup its Farzuz b day tomorrow ,Farzhana in Arabic means intelligent and she is ,talks a bit ,but that bits do have some sense ,quite a genius in math’s .I did let out a few thoughts on to that little brain of hers already jam-packed with electrical circuits and motors. She accepted a few debated on a few
Got a mind of her own, she cud do well in teaching or may be in some R&D, just my views, any way who am I, My head is full of junk.

missing friday found on the road side

The butcher boy proved that words r’nt needed to pass on a message, or was it that I felt like that and my inner voice whispered like the guy on the mirror? it cud have been the other me asking that quwstion at the funeral,,he is makin me insane.


Friday 8th Aug AUH ,that one day of the week that was missing in my calendar for a long time and I happened to bump on to It today,11 am I felt that I had my head run over by some two wheeler ,should have been a dream ,opened my eye but it was kind of dark then I heard a wild cry ,it was Sohail my nephew he had slipped off from his bunk bed his bum on my face . 8.30 pm that’s when I got out of the house, had a fag walked a while and there stood this minivan being stuffed with a load of beautiful dames, some night club dancers .I stood there for a while, reason is obvious, good looking gals but after a few min’s I was struck by a few thoughts, who are all these? What has forced them to be where they are now? It could be that fraction of second incident that could have been the reason .they have their families ,father ,mother sisters and brothers or may be there could be one among them missing and that could be the reason or may be the men in their lifes.anyways they know better ,but still what’s going on in their minds? Am quite curious.

my sister? home options Cluster 3

I did read my own blog and I was not a bit shocked to gather the debris of spelling mistakes but for some reason I did not want to correct it .

So the love pathos state of mind did not stay for long cuz I was rediscovering myself .my daily routine was something new. the first day of my stay in EPK was a bit uncomfy .night I had to go stay at my elder cousins home .I slept on the hall with all windows open to get some air, by night my aunt made sure that the bad spirits did not enter the room via the window to attack me, she closed the windows. I was doomed. so by next night I was sharing the bed with Farzin the rock & roll fan .So the feel was slowly creeping in ,waking up @ fathy brushing ,tea then went to wish my mom a good morn and again a tea ,bath @ fathys ,dress washed and pressed ready to get it ,well the feel was creeping in ,,,,FANTABULOUS ! , Farzu had her Sunday computer classes well I made sure she did not have any of those until my journey back. Black tea ginger flavored farzu special, she quite sacrificing’ ly gave me the magic portion of her wonder tea. The angels landed @epk so once again Fantabulous; farhan hit epk from Chennai all for the marriage. Angels quite jealous over the fact that farzu got closer with me, quite natural.

Once long back when was quite away from the relations, I happened to buy a chicken from a shop near our ngl home and the butcher boy all of a sudden pointed his fingers on to the road and was talking with me “look is that your sisters and kids", I was like who me? Ru talking to me? My sisters in Abu Dhabi, no man Ur uncles daughter look, I just had a glance and faced him said no man I don’t know them. He was like, well heres Ur chicken. And years after I was at the same sister’s house crowded waiting for the coffin carrying her husband’s body …..there I met Jessina and Sana …I scribbled wat I saw….like this…

THE INEVITABLE
saw her face,
those restless eyes
Busy hands on a piece of paper
trying to draw a senseless piece of art
but it meant a lot to her
a daughter’s depiction of her father
a father gone far away promising her a doll
now he is back, promise broken but why?
She did not knowa day she will never forgot
or is it that,will never fade from her thought’s
she saw her weeping motherand wished never seeing that again
people poured in from all cornersto their small house,
distant relativesdistant by relation and communication
she smiled at them but no courtesy was shown
she saw her ever complaining grandmother besides her sister,
a rare sight the usual evening after school was missing
she saw her sister being kissed by her grandmother
everything was new to her that day
no one asked her to do her homework
she felt sad for her mother
assuming that she hurt herselfyoung and ignorant,
my heart bled for her
she did not know the darkness that lay ahead
she did not know the reality that would bite one day
she did not know the depth of her lossthe table,
her play centre was occupied
by a long box under a dying 40 watt bulb
people peeping in to it ,
what are they searching?
She questioned herself,
one day she will get an answer
she was in her usual mood
she did not know that every one pitied her
everyone saw her with sympathetic eyes
she did not know that every one knew something,
about her that she did not know
where will she be in a few years?
What will she be when she grows up?
Who will make her feel protected?
Who will she look up to when she is in a crisis?
Will all these be unanswered question?
For me it was becoming more unbearable
to see her ignorance
to see her when she will long for the lost love
the day will come not far away
the pain of knowing that
there is no one to lead her no one to cuddle her.
Death is inevitable but then,
a father for a daughter is more than inevitable...


After the burial I saw him again, the butcher boy and he said “now you know your sister don’t you?”

Mirror again, and the guy on the mirror is asking me awkward questions.
“so dude u did not know them?...well I knew them but cant recollect the past, had heard about Zhaira akka but,,,, but I was late,, so late or else I could have seen the happy side of her, the he mirror said” pathetic man what kind of a family is this?” yes pathetic, u and me r pathetic …he said yes sorry dude …..


Happy, yes this time around I saw a happy Zairah akka, quite a treat to be with her doing those butcher English of hers, FANTABULOUSSSSSSSS…….

chosen one,fathy babes,toilet sleeprs ,yesterday

All of sudden love became the topic for that guy whom I see on the mirror in front of me, he kept on asking me questions:-love that which is not expressed, is it worth? No, it’s more or less like a letter that never got posted. Is physical love a must to share ones love for each other? Hmmmm ru talking about sex? No! Get that out of Ur mind my dear reflection. What is I Ur reflection? Can’t you see u doin the same as I do. Is it so how sure are you cuz I believe that u doing what am doin.k so its not sex ? Nope .hmmm is it something like kissing cuddling, like you do to kids? Yes …well I believe words need not be exchanged when you cud just hold someone’s hand in such a manner that a million message could pass through that warm touch. Son to a mother, father to the son, daughter to any one, touch, and a hug could send in messages far more clear than words form your vocal thru mouth. Well Ru doin that? Hmmm not much cuz I see the older generation having a problem with this kind of expression.wont you ask me y? Oh come on y don’t you hit the target rather than hitting the bush? K k ….hmm thatz cuz you know the world better than they do. You confusing me .oh come on think about it.




Well am still at EPK ,strolled towards SPS home (sps is one of my uncles, peers dad) a house awaiting for that chosen one ,the wedding flavor I sensed ,the people I met ,words they shared ,I inhaled the air of hope.
Cease fire, olive on the dove’s beak, some thing missin? ya Peer asked me to do that ,lights for the grooms adobe ,here we go ….stroll a few yards am at Fathy babes house (fathima my cous) ,give her a frequency and just a hint of a news she will pass it on with damn clarity .There she was tube light as her middle name ,the math’s genius Farzu ,quiet she was when I met her long back but now shez become more out going so I cud kill some time ,chess,pallankuzhi and a bit of gossip. the others followed Farzin the guy who keeps a time table for his day to day duty but never follows it.farzu needs pillow on four sides of her to sleep while Farzin needs a few people near him when he sleeps, he gave me a few sleepless nights .I bet, any one who could spend a night by his side then come meet me the next day and promise me that you will dare to spent the night again with him.hez a rock and roll fan I suppose. Have you seen any one sleeping inside the toilet with an alarm clock by his side well I have seen 2 of them ,one is Farzin and the other is me. Runs in the blood...


Well, well I just forgot some one, the gal who gave me a ride huh and I heard Beatles singing in my ears….


Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
there’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.

Dyslexia,julia roberts & blood on the knife (Cluster-1

I am a slow starter, if tare zameen par was produced when I was at my primary school then I would have been suspected to be having dyslexia,, well but the funny part is I never flunked .I have been riding bike and occasionally cars all through but never had a license, this time I wanted to make a 50 % try on that, well I did get it.


The roads have changed ,streets have changed but the ppl of ngl still the same ,with the same warmth and pleasantness ,those faces I have forgotten smiled at me they enquired about me and my siblings .I started walking ,I love to walk around ngl but my old buddies ,ya the same old auto wallas were influencing me to sit behind them. Went to check the rooms at Harris nadar ,notin to check cuz we were regular customer there and the reception guy knew me well cuz long back during a winter we ,gang of outlaws , booked 3 rooms with a a few cartons of the booze made a scene out there. Got my sim card as promised by sanjay,his mom Gladys aunty dropped in to hand it over me,Sithiz angels kept on ringing me ,i just wished if I had a few wings to fly off to the angels but then I did not even have a cycle huh .Cake world; got a pair of packed sweets ,went to Jamila Mamis house ,these are relations even though we are not related ,relations that stood through all the realities ,when the real relations where no where to be seen ,through thick and thin. My sisters ,yup my own sisters Shabna and Shabaz ,these two were once the reason for all our smiles and here I am to meet them.Shabna’s maturity was clear in her face but she’s getting shorter ,she’s in her second year engineering GOSH! I was getting old, I thought.Shabaz hit the ceiling shez in her first year I just can’t believe it, shez the same Julia Roberts as we used to call her. And as a custom I had my lunch over there, I wud have used their dining table more than one at my home. Off I went to sithiz .Felt good, felt wanted, felt fantabulous .Yeah I am counting the fantabulous .Cant say no to cherry can I? Stayed, Gazing stars and describing what ever I know about the Milky Way and gaining what ever she knows. Jazz still rolling her eyes, Woman look the most beautiful during pregnancy, I read this some where and saw the beauty, and her face was blooming. Zulu was behind me asking me how I knew that she bunked class and was at her some room at college with her friends ,poor gal she doesn’t know that am good at guesses what do you get from an ex engg student .well the best part was my drama with Nina .Emotional, holy cow .I just let my self free and asked her about her new nokia handset and she exhibited it to me and me as a matter of fact asked her “y do you need this when you already have another ,you aint going out y don’t you give this to Zulu?”
Off she went, I not even in my wildest dream thought she wud cry like a kid but she did, and it took me more than 3 hours and 2 top up cards for her mobile to pacify her, shez still the same.

Home again ,mom and dad packing to go off to ancestral home ,I let them go and later I took a bus to their destination hmm let me name the place ,its EPK ,from here on I shall use EPK .Changes ,nothing physical but I knew mentally things would have changed .The camps of MA’s family might have gone through some changes .Salaam Manzil ,dads home same as ever ,not much of a memory ,deaths and quarrels is all I remember ,they have known me but I haven’t known any one until a few years back. All I remember about this house is that my aunt (fathers brothers wife) who would prepare that tasty fish curry and lemon pickle and then after that my memory takes a long interval to the body of my brother Sheriff, stiff and motionless, all my aunts and others crying and I cud not stand the tears and wild cries, again I am blank then again my monthly visit to hand over some money to my uncle, sheriff bhais father .each month until he too was no more.

Funny moments too,,,,like when two of my fathers brothers had a fight and the elder one took hold of a big coconut slicing knife and chased his younger brother round the house all the while screaming “I will finish you off” ,my mom and sister were pleading to stop the madness .they both kept on rounding the house and after 5-6 rounds they did not show up and we thought that it was all over and moved to the entrance of the house composing ourselves to witness a cold blooded murder ,alas we saw both the brothers sharing a vessel full of water and in between arguing why the tree was cut off (the reason behind the fight) , felt like chopping both their heads.

Clusters

well as i put forth in the beggining that if i got to pen down my day to day experience then i might forget the password and username of this blog hmmmm i wud liketo amend my statement a bit ,i might write some thing on my life as a cluster rather than piece by piece ,may be that might interest me ,kind of episodes........ppl use blog for different reason and i use it to vent my feelings ,thoughts ,happiness,failures and anything tat needs to hit the blog plate.,,,,,,,

Once again I had a unconventional exit from uae .modular concepts wasn’t such a bad place to work, yes it lacked professional ethics but was a place to learn but the process of learning wasn’t doing any good to the co .loss is not something that cant be said on the same breath as biz but it was doing more than harm to my confidence than any good and I wasn’t able to concentrate on a few personal obligations that topped my list of to do’s. Visa for me was an issue that the co took for granted, my travel expense was sky rocketing and I was fed up with the upper hand taken by a few co workers, any way these are lame excuses for some one like me who has this issue of loosing interest, cant just do the same thing again and again .So I bid goodbye .no gains other than the knowledge that I gained working with Mr. Manoj, a person for whom I have great respect and regards.

Once again airport and the flight ,it was the 1st of June ,2nd June I will be loosing something but the loss is in many ways gain for so many a good souls and so the loss was so sweet that I could still taste it. Peer was getting married on the 2nd of June ,its been a great journey ,a journey through which am glad I was with him ,a sense of fulfillment .He was feeling low as he wanted me to be there the day of his nikah ,his usual stance ,emotional and that’s why I keep on saying that he is an emotional fool but that’s his trademark and there was this call I had in my mobile on the way to the airport ,it was shahistha (I just cant spell her name ) well well well then during that conversation I knew matches are made in heaven .”Where are you? on my way to the airport ,get off the car you aren’t going., what? You can’t do this, you should be there tomorrow” ..........am I wrong when I say matches are made in heaven? Nope.

It’s a wonderful feeling when some one so close to you has their dreams fulfilled .I had plans for the couple but to make things possible I should bring out the best diplomatic side of mine. The sky ward journey was filled with plans; plan a, plan b, c, d e, and f and so on. I wished for a mind-blowingly fantabulous vacation this time, wishes were always cruel to me but I wished like a man who foresaw his date& time of death that at least those final days I could have that small % of fantabulous time.

I was a bit skeptical for all for good reasons; my dads brought his ancestral home so we might have to stay there surrounded by a whole lot of relatives and watz to be expected? Of course we were all getting closer but I did not have an iota of faith in my dad cuz he is the worst when it comes to be or at least act a bit diplomatic. I know my cousins ,call it lack of education or lack of exposure they all speak their mind out and then sit and sulk over it ,so their is always this sword hanging over that strong thread called relations and the sword might snap off that thread any time. am talking to this guy whom I see on the mirror and he has been asking me frightening questions and I keep on replying ,Yes I know ,why ? why should I be so pessimist but don’t you know how this whole family has lost its wonderful moments that could have made our grandpa a happy soul ,to have ,to share ,to cry on a few shoulders ,to play around with your nephews and nieces well I am sure, damn know I have lost a few but am damn sure that I aint gonna loose the rest, come what may , I do not believe in miracles neither I believe in god but yes I do believe in goodness and I felt that their where a few goodness forming a shield around me. I felt my grans around me holding and showing me how to believe in what I can do. There were a lots of them ,I sensed it.They all kept on saying sorry ,they repent on their deeds they wished they could have changed their attitude towards life and others, when they were alive and so they might have chosen me to rectify the repairs they have commited ,even though I kept away from my grans home saying that I might come across all the expired blood and flesh ,in my deepest of the deepest corner of my mind I wished for that room on the right side of the verandah where Sheriff bhai used to live ,where he used to take us and recite us a few stories. I missed him a lot, missed him a lot that I at times I wished that the rest of the relations could have died in compensation to Sheriff Bhai so that he could have stayed back.Its me at time with a cruel mind that goes wild with imaginations.

Landed home, was so happy to meet my buddy jish, ever reliable is what I could say abt him. Went home Ngl ,homes in a mess and I knew the moment I saw the home that my mom was sick so sick that she just cant walk but mentally she has stressed her out to move ,what else the maid of heaven (my brother named her) do. wished I could get married to some one black ,white yellow or green with just one condition to relieve my mom of this damn duty of being the maid of the heaven ,wished I could slap my bro for glorifying her sacrifice in such a way.


Well settled on to my chair, those old friends of mine (books), I have read, re read and I will read them again to be re read them again.
A carton full of Marlboro whites, my laptop over flowing with my fave music and the nights were getting longer or was it that nights were turning out to be my days and days my nights.