a page off my book titled LIFE

am i filling up the blog ?NO cuz this blog will one day stand testimonial for wat i was made up of ,wat was this man feeling,cud prove tat am not that bad a guy but as normal as any so called good soul,if i was to be asked wat my life was all abt ? my answer wud be some bad times wit bad failures,some good time where i myself was not happy but also the ppl around me were.ultimately by the end of your life its not how much ur bank balance is nor the big posh home u build tat will prove your worth but the loss ,the vacum u have created in many a sad minds.i blv and will always advice tat life is worth living to the fullest ,sucess and failures r just passing they just need a medium and no one is left untouched.on that note here is a page from the book of my life ,i have torn it just for whoever is reading this :

the year 2006

As I boarded the Oman air from Dubai on the 22nd I prayed for the window seat cuz I like to see the ground when the flight takes off I get sooo thrilled to see the wings shake and the pneumatic and hydraulic works goin on them. And then I went down the memory lane ,jaz is getting married the next day ,the reason y I hurried with my resignation and how I challenged my frnds back in rak that I wud be there in India to attend the wedding of my dear jaazzz at any cost. As the flight took off targeting the sky, my mind came down searching for the old chapters of my life, digging deep.


It has always been a dream that I should take part in jazz’s marriage .that gal has influenced me a lot ,she has made me a bit more softer or shud I say all the 4 of them .I hav always been a wild rebel ,never compromising on my principles and ideals never letting any one rule over me ,never letting any one influence me but then she did .my affinity towards girl kids was always there ,always wanted a kid whom I cud pour all my love and affections and that affinity multiplied beyond limit after meeting the 4 of them .its funny though cuz I knew I had a cousin in peer but never had much contact with him until recently but never knew tat he had the privilege of being the chachu of 4 beautiful angels and when I knew, my affection for him grew ,so its like thnx to the 4 angels for letting me share a brotherly relation with peer. there was a time when we (me and peer) wearing half pants moved around our family home hands on each ones shoulder not knowing how we were related talking about life and death (durin our elder cousins death) and then he went his way and me mine. years passed but I still had his face clear in my mind some thing kept on sayin in me “u need to refresh ur relations) but I always hated my family people for the simple reason that as a kid my mind was so hurt wit too much of fights and hatred they had between them .they did not even spare us kids they showed their hatred even to us .it was always like in one camp or the other so u cant go from one camp to other cant speak to them, I hated them all and never wished to meet them ,I wud just run off from the place where these ppl might probably meet ,I had a good nose when it came to the smell of conflict. I did not know who my uncle or aunt were ,I did not address them at all cuz they never addressed me decently, all I remember is the word they used to call me was like “blackies son blackie” as my father was the blackest of them all and me his son was a blackie like him. I cud hav killed them all but 5 0r 6 year old was helpless but my mind which was so plain in those days was already getting filled wit hatred wud always hang on to my mothers pallu ,did never go near any of them ,not a word did I speak to them.
And one evening after years of no contacts our telephone rang giving my mom and dad a bad news saying “sithis husband siraj died in an accident”, me and my sister were dropped off at a family frnds house and our parents left off in a taxi. Did not mean a thing to me cuz i did not know who sithi was nor did I know who siraj was. Our parents came back the next day the same night I heard my father cry, unusual it was, he cried and cried the whole night keeping on sayin “she is still young with 4 kids what kind of a god this is?” this time i felt bad cuz i hate seeing someone cry, i cud go weak on my knees if i see tears in the eyes of any one regardless.

My dad flew back to auh, and one fine day when my brother came we had a taxi ready and my mother asked me to dress up, but I did not want to do so, my brother stared and the next minute I was on the car to kuleshekaram.all I knew was it was peers sisters home and that she has lost her husband in a freak accident. I did not meet sithi akka nor did my brother .my mother did all the consoling and I kept on bugging my brother “watz the point in coming here if we cant meet the person whom we have come to meet?”,stare again my mouth was sealed .my mom came out, we had to leave .car started moving and all of a sudden my mom said to me “look .look sithis kids ,three of them goin to the madrasa”.the first face that I pictured was tat of soumy Nina ,that darling of mine ,the other two were so small .my heart felt so heavy when I saw the 3 of them ,I wanted to jump off the car and run towards them shouting “hey angels do u know me? Am ur chachu“.but that did not happen, I was over the car seat looking towards the kids thru the rear window Stare the next moment I sat mouth shut.

Years flew off ,our gang of friends became roadies with bikes in between our legs ,I wud have gone past the same house a number of times and each time I passed thru I wud set my eyes for a glance of the 3 kids, never did I see them. And I knew if I wud search this way I wud never meet them at all.

Years flew again ,I went off to Chennai for college, my dad in the mean time retired and getting to know his roots ,peers father expired .peer was getting closer to my dad cuz peer opted for a degree in commerce like my father .and my dad became his guardian of sort.soumy Nina was teasing my dad ,her grandpa by ringing him up and askin whether he knew her ,so some kind of good vibes started growing in the family, nothing unusual in our family cuz the whole of our native people wud say “MA (my granpa) ,MA’s family wud fight during a wedding and reconcile during a death funeral” funny isn’t it ,some one has to get married for the family to fight and the someone has to die to reconcile ,crazy morons.

One fine morning I came back from Chennai and what I saw was a small gal taking care of my toddler nephew, she was so cute and I all of a sudden was able to relate with her. My mom told look she is sithis daughter the last one, I asked her name, she said sherin banu and in latter years still now MY CHELLAM. The same day we had to attend a family wedding, even in good mood I wud say no wedding functions please they are a waste of time but when my mom said peer wud be there and even sherin wud go off after the wedding, I kept my principles aside and went with them. Met my dear bro, my soul keeper, and my friend and punch bag there after a looong looong time. After marriage he insisted that I go with him to kuleshekaram even my mom wanted me to go.

I said to my self “well then times have changed the old ones hav gone, no more fights during wedding, hope it does not go the other way down and the MA family fight during death funerals and reconcile during weddings”. Off we went to kuleshekaram.









The same house that I have gone past several times on my way to tirparaappu falls with my friends, the same roadsides were I wished to see those three angels I have seen years before. A well made house, rich in all sense.
I said to my self “the four gals r blessed, they are lucky but even god envied them and so he just took away their father”

As I entered the house I felt some kind of a relief ,a fullness ,and a sense of fulfillment ,after a looong looong time I met sithi akka ,even though I did not remember her face I cud just get a flashing picture of her in my mind but am not sure whether I wud have identified her before this somewhere else.Surmi was the first one I met ,I hav heard her name before ,I mean a long time ago .the reason am so specific about her name is cuz the words that reached my ear durin those days of siraj bhais death was that as soon as he was hit by the truck he kept on repeating her name “surmi, surmi, surmi till his last breath.the moment peer pointed at her and said “this is surmi ” my mind and mouth went dry and heart filled with some kind of a heaviness. but even there I was searchin for that face that kept on haunting me for all the years ,that face which had much maturity even at that young age ,soumy i knew the name ,my mother used to say how soumy used to ring up my dad and keep on bugging him ,the chatter box .But I did not expect that it was not these three gals who gonna change my world upside down but the other one .the first, jasmine ,am a slow starter when it comes to new frnds and relations that to a bit grown up gal ,it took time for me to connect with her but the slower the firmer she started influencing me ,to an extent that at one period of time I cud go talk with real strangers cuz they resembled jazz , slowly we started to talk and I saw so much goodness in her that I just cursed my self for being so late in getting to know her.her crooked smile ,rolling eyes and the way she stretched my name from one end to another whenever we met, bichuuuuuuuuuuuuu.my fondness for black tea became her trump card I wud get it the next moment when am at the sithis manzil.she never let me wear a soiled dress always willing to wash and press them for me.each time I lit up a cigarette she wud ask me for a puff and I did offer ,she wud take up one puff and say “quit it mama ,its not good”. In a short span of time she became my frnd rather than a niece, we talked about everything and she never let me feel uncomfortable always there to ask me what’s in need.


There she was getting ready for her wedding and I got no chance to make it in time, I made up mind to get satisfied with whatever video coverage peer wud bring back after marriage. My plan was to quit my job and hit India by mid June, reasons were many .finance ,a new job and the two frnds of mine who wud hit India by mid June ,gonna see them both after 3 years cant miss the chance. May 17 peer took the flight to India I did not even think about me being there for the wedding but I kept on sayin this to a frnd of mine that I wish I cud see jaaz clad in those expensive sari and her beaming face glaring off all those jewellerys and camera flashes. But I knew that’s not gonna happen. May 18th rang up sithi manzil jaaz asked me when am gonna be there in India, I got no answers but some thing told me “say, say it to her u gonna be there on the 23rd morning right on time say it to her damn it”. May 19th gave my resignation, rang up my cousin who is a big shot in the company, he promised me that things wud go smooth not to worry, words got stuck in between my teeth and cheeks, I wanted to ask him to some how finish off everything a bit soon so that I cud be there for the 23rd wedding. But me being what I am and all these years working in the company I did never go to him asking any favors even when I was goin thru the worst phase of my life when every evening under the shower I was not able to identify my tears from the water, never knew whether it was the tears or just the water from the shower that I was having a bath. by 19th evening I broke that principle of mine of never to ask a person a favor who has given u more that what u hav expected, I pleaded to him sayin “23rd morning I got to be there so that I cud attend the wedding” he was like “WHATTTT impossible” and I said “but u gonna do this for me and am damn sure about it”...he just let his fingers move thru his fast balding hair line and said “ring me up in the morning”. morning I was damn prompt 8 o clock poor chap I did not let him hav his bath,,, he asked me to run towards the technical directors office, got hold of one of my colleagues mo bike a Honda power engine,, vrooooooom on the way picked up the Italian technician dropped him at al-hambra hotel gave him a 300 aeds which he did not accept for a some champagne.
Met mr jaykumar our tech director along with my tech manager both of them wanted to know y I gotta quit ,y biju whatz the problem ,we cud solve it ,we cud revise the salary and ur position ,all I gotta say was I gotta be there by 23rd morning,jayakumar rang up my cousin and had a chat wit him and after tat signed my resignation and for one last time said ,any thing biju anything cud be solved just tell me ,I just said 23rd sir I gotta be there....bid goodbye to both of them ,dropped in my documents ,went for cancellation of my visa came back picked up simone the Italian ,a bag in within 5 champagne bottles we had stuffs put near our new site .made arrangements for tickets ,got my settlement money everything paid in cash as per instruction from mr.jayakumar ,I said to my self thnx cousin ur a gem of a person. I did not stand to hear how much was the settlement money just took it. Now I got the bad news, ticket ready for 21st but the passport has not yet come back after cancellation, my frustration had no measure, went straight to Mr Jayakumar while I had my cousin on telephone informin both of them about my passport. the personnel department ppl came in search of me literally lifted me off from there and started pleading “please .please MR syed u can catch ur flight on the 22nd please ,,”.I was getting more confident about me being there on the 23rd morning. I said with an air of command “ok guys but make sure u get me the best flight”...


21st night was farewell for me champagne, wine and fun ,,,ppl I least expected came up with some speech or something ,there was lots happening but my mind was filled with the beaming face of jaazzz and I punched the air shouting YES ,,,,,,

22nd Dubai airport

23rd morning 6 am IST trivandrum airport, 11am wedding hall, there she was clad in that expensive sari .I felt that my eyes were gettin a bit moist but nothing mattered other than the smiling face of my jaazz, the other 3 were happy to see me but I shud admit no one was more happier than jaaz herself when I nodded my head giving a thumbs up.

26th jazz wud leave to her hubbys house ,the last time I felt a bit bad on such an occasions was when my sister bid goodbye to me after her marriage, the day before and on the morning of 26th jaazz was literally chasing me she wanted to talk and be the same old gal but I kept on disappointing her ,dont know y may be cuz i did not want to look gloomy after shez gone ,don’t know y .and when the time came to bid goodbye she looked at me rolling her eyes giving me that crooked smile without even spilling a word she conveyed what she had to “am leaving mama ,please do come and visit me whenever u can”. She was gone, I did not want anyone to see me anymore nor did I want to see anyone, packed my bags and bid goodbye to everyone, gloominess showed all thru but I kept my smile intact,

Bye dear, all I expect is that u have a happy life filled with all the joys and happiness nothing else is more important to me or to peer, bye dear


And then I knew wat a relation is all about and how it cud withstand all other hurdles in the form of a bad, quarreling family history. I don’t believe in fate cuz for me its deeds tat come first and its the deeds that finalize ur fate but here am confused was it fate or the deeds tat made me sentimentally attach with these gals .God exist or else there wud never be a mother , a sister or a wife for men ,blessed r the men for they hav women in their life’s to inspire and be the pillar of strength and am blessed ,blessed to be loved by such ppl without whom I wud hav been like the man of the stone age,,,,,,,,thnx dear ,a million thanks to u ,u made me feel and live like the chosen one.