the end

this will be my final post............
am locking the doors and throwin off the keys for good
blog is meant to be expressive and i have done wat it was meant to be,but the response away from the blog is quite disheartening.....cant express more ......whatever i write has its source from my clear mind ,am not so good a human being neither am a bad one,,,,,,,,,,,,i shall write watz in my mind and wen it turns against me then i just have to shut the fuck up ,and am doin this with no regrets ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,some day i shall write and whatever i shall write will never be regretted ,,,ma salamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

just a pick from the web

One day at school a girl was asked to a party by a boy she had liked for years. Of course, saying yes she headed home happily. The girl asked her parents if she could go out that night but was turned down. Her parents were going out to eat for their anniversary and didn't want her to go. Besides, they reasoned, you don't even know this boy very well. The girl agreed sullenly and went to her room. Calling her friend, she made plans to pretend to spend the night there while really going to the party. Her friend agreed and the girl tricked her parents into letting her stay with her close friend. Saying goodbye to her parents the girl left to her friends house where she told the boy to pick her up. The boy arrived on time and they left for the party. The girl felt so excited to be with the boy that she liked, that at first she didn't mind that he was drinking. Soon, even she had consumed alcohol and was feeling good about coming. Waviing goodbye they both piled into the car, with the boy driving. As they drove, he kept on swerving and increasing the speed. You're going to fast! she complained giggling a bit. Suddenly the boy crossed a red light and crashed into a car that was turning in front of them. Two days later the girl woke up in the hospital. Looking around she spotted a nurse sitting in the corner. The nurse smiled and asked how she was feeling. The girl could only nod her head before quickly asking what had happened. The nurse lowered her eyes as she explained that her crush had survived but the people in the other car had died. The girl felt tears welling up in her eyes as she thought about their families. As they began to fall down her face the girl pleaded for the nurse to tell the deceased's families how sorry she was. Looking at the girl with anguished eyes, the nurse turned her head away and quickly got up. Please! the girl cried out. Tell them I'm so sorry! Nodding her head once the nurse fled from the room, hiding the tears that were already streaming donw her own two cheeks. How could she be the one to tell the girl, that the people who died that night, that were in the other car were her parents returning home from the restaraunt?"Every day we make choices, and every night we must sleep with the consequences of those choices."This was claimed to be a true story.

29 years of shame

29 years have gone past me ,no big achivements to drum.but yes with my limitations i was able to live 29 x 365 days .am falling back ,bits and pieces ,the assuarence of my inabilities come in all forms ,big and small. am falling back,,,,, i need to do what no one will expect from me.i need to go so far that no one recognises me .want to asses what i am capable.all i can pray for now is that one chance to go ,to some far of place to atleast try and live the way which contradicts my past.it aches ,cant look in to the mirror anymore ,how could i feel bad about myself like this?
i need to go ,need thid break ,need to hide but need to live too.wish tommorow i shall feel better and write something which contradicts this post.

i accept

There is a feel of loss in my thoughts today ,a loss that cud have been my life’s oxygen ,the reason for me to reenergize .but am happy at the same time cuz the reason for me to reenergize cud turn out to be the reasons loss. I confess that I have gone wrong in all my decisions and I accept that I am my own grave digger, but am i that unlucky that I don’t get a second chance?. All I cud say is that am sorry my dear life that I have wasted you……………

May goodness lead you ,and let the deaf hear and blind see

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see"

well done rahmaniacs ,by capturing the life of all those orphans on the I Day.

For rahmaniacs ,my salaam

തേച്നോലോഗി

മാത്തൂര്‍ ഭാഷ മലയാളം ആണെങ്ങില്ലും ,വയികാനും എഴുതാനും അറിയാത്ത ചില്ല മനുശരില്‍ ഞാനും ഉള്പടുന്നു , സ്സ്ല്ക് വരെ തമിള്‍ ആയിര്രുനു രേന്ടാം ഭാഷ ,വളരെ കഷ്ടപട്ടു ജെയിച്ചു .അതില്‍ പിന്നേ ഫ്രെന്ച്ച് ആയിരുന്നു രേന്ടാം ഭാഷ .വെല്‍ ഇഫ് യു ആരെ കന്ഫുസേദ് ദാറ്റ് ഹൌ ഡോ ഐ വ്രിറെ ഇന്‍ മലയാളം ? വെല്‍ ടെക്നോളജി ,ദാമന്‍ .......ഓനെ ഫൈന്‍ ഇയര്‍ ലങ്ങുഅങേസ് വില്‍ ബി എ പാര്‍ട്ട് ഓഫ് ഹിസ്റ്ററി ആന്‍ഡ് ടെക്നോളജി വില്‍ ടെസിടെ വാട്ട് ലാംഗ്വേജ് ടോ സ്പീക് ആന്‍ഡ് ടോ വ്ഹോം ടോ സ്പീക് ,,എഫ്ഫെക്ട്സ് ആരെ കൂള്‍ ബട്ട് സൈഡ് എഫ്ഫെക്ട്സ് ???????????????????



i know i know that any one reading this wud be laughing like hell ,this is just a try.

பாரதி உன் உளறல் இன்றும் ஒலிக்கிறது

தனி ஒரு மனிதனுக்கு உணவு இல்லை எனில் இந்த ஜகத்தினை அழித்திடுவோம்.



He who writes poetry is not a poet. He whose poetry has become his life, and who has made his life his poetry - it is he who is a poet." - Bharathy

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”

global we say when it comes to warming ,but isnt we whoa to blamed?

Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed
----Mahatma Gandhi ----
As I sit in here with the 4 walls and the ceiling protecting me ,a thin ray of sun gives me the much needed warmth but then is this the same somewhere in the Sahara desert ?.Sun burns the skin of young and old,1000 dead due to sun stroke. I might not sound that scientific ,the topic might be ,the issue surrounding these sudden changes in the climate which meets either ends of the extreme, every deed has a scientific reason .Like , why are the hurricane more stronger that strikes the northern America ? , why should the sea water slowly be deprived of its salty characteristic?, reasons: we are, Why blame it on a terminology called Global Warming , I might sound more emotional than scientific that is because I believe that the topic need an emotional way of dealing, there is so much happening in this world that we get carried away and we just take a few issues for granted, and these few issues will determine the future of this world we live in.
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."----Mahatma Gandhi

me

stay ,stay ,stayyyyyyyyyyyyy,miles to go ,miles to go .i wrote it now am playing it ,,,,i should change it....................life my life...

Mahmoud Darwish

"i thought poetry could change everything,could change history and could humanise.and i think that the illusion is very necessary to push poets to be involved and to belive.but now i think that poetry changes only the poet"---------Mahmoud Darwish---------

Under Siege
By Mahmoud Darwish -1942-2008
Here on the slopes of hills, facing the dusk and the cannon of time

Close to the gardens of broken shadows,

We do what prisoners do,

And what the jobless do:

We cultivate hope.
***A country preparing for dawn. We grow less intelligent

For we closely watch the hour of victory:

No night in our night lit up by the shelling

Our enemies are watchful and light the light for us

In the darkness of cellars.
***Here there is no “I”.Here Adam remembers the dust of his clay.
***On the verge of death, he says:

I have no trace left to lose:Free I am so close to my liberty.

My future lies in my own hand.Soon I shall penetrate my life,

I shall be born free and parentless,

And as my name I shall choose azure letters…
***You who stand in the doorway, come in,

Drink Arabic coffee with us

And you will sense that you are men like us

You who stand in the doorways of houses

Come out of our morningtimes,

We shall feel reassured to beMen like you!
***When the planes disappear, the white, white doves

Fly off and wash the cheeks of heaven

With unbound wings taking radiance back again,

taking possessionOf the ether and of play.

Higher, higher still, the white, white doves

Fly off. Ah, if only the sky

Were real [a man passing between two bombs said to me].
***Cypresses behind the soldiers, minarets protecting

The sky from collapse. Behind the hedge of steel

Soldiers piss—under the watchful eye of a tank—And the autumnal day ends its golden wandering inA street as wide as a church after Sunday mass…
***[To a killer] If you had contemplated the victim’s face

And thought it through, you would have remembered your mother in theGas chamber,

you would have been freed from the reason for the rifle

And you would have changed your mind: this is not the wayto find one’s identity again.
***The siege is a waiting period

Waiting on the tilted ladder in the middle of the storm.
***Alone, we are alone as far down as the sediment

Were it not for the visits of the rainbows.
***We have brothers behind this expanse.Excellent brothers.

They love us. They watch us and weep.

Then, in secret, they tell each other:“Ah! if this siege had been declared…”

They do not finish their sentence:“Don’t abandon us, don’t leave us.”
***Our losses: between two and eight martyrs each day.

And ten wounded.And twenty homes.And fifty olive trees…

Added to this the structural flaw thatWill arrive at the poem,

the play, and the unfinished canvas.
***A woman told the cloud: cover my beloved

For my clothing is drenched with his blood.
***If you are not rain, my love

Be treeSated with fertility, be treeIf you are not tree,

my loveBe stoneSaturated with humidity, be stone

If you are not stone, my love Be moon

In the dream of the beloved woman, be moon[So spoke a womanto her son at his funeral]
***Oh watchmen! Are you not wearyOf lying in wait for the light in our saltAnd of the incandescence of the rose in our woundAre you not weary, oh watchmen?
***
A little of this absolute and blue infinityWould be enoughTo lighten the burden of these timesAnd to cleanse the mire of this place.
***It is up to the soul to come down from its mountAnd on its silken feet walkBy my side, hand in hand, like two longtimeFriends who share the ancient breadAnd the antique glass of wineMay we walk this road togetherAnd then our days will take different directions:I, beyond nature, which in turnWill choose to squat on a high-up rock.
***On my rubble the shadow grows green,And the wolf is dozing on the skin of my goatHe dreams as I do, as the angel doesThat life is here…not over there.
***In the state of siege, time becomes spaceTransfixed in its eternityIn the state of siege, space becomes timeThat has missed its yesterday and its tomorrow.
***The martyr encircles me every time I live a new dayAnd questions me: Where were you? Take every wordYou have given me back to the dictionariesAnd relieve the sleepers from the echo’s buzz.
***The martyr enlightens me: beyond the expanseI did not lookFor the virgins of immortality for I love lifeOn earth, amid fig trees and pines,But I cannot reach it, and then, too, I took aim at itWith my last possession: the blood in the body of azure.
***The martyr warned me: Do not believe their ululationsBelieve my father when, weeping, he looks at my photographHow did we trade roles, my son, how did you precede me.I first, I the first one!
***The martyr encircles me: my place and my crude furniture are all that
I have changed.I put a gazelle on my bed,And a crescent of moon on my fingerTo appease my sorrow.
***The siege will last in order to convince us we must choose an
enslavement that does no harm, in fullest liberty!
***Resisting means assuring oneself of the heart’s health,The health of the testicles and of your tenacious disease:The disease of hope.
***And in what remains of the dawn, I walk toward my exteriorAnd in what remains of the night, I hear the sound of footsteps inside me.
***Greetings to the one who shares with me an attention toThe drunkenness of light, the light of the butterfly, in theBlackness of this tunnel!
***Greetings to the one who shares my glass with meIn the denseness of a night outflanking the two spaces:Greetings to my apparition.
***My friends are always preparing a farewell feast for me,A soothing grave in the shade of oak treesA marble epitaph of timeAnd always I anticipate them at the funeral:Who then has died…who?
***Writing is a puppy biting nothingnessWriting wounds without a trace of blood.
***Our cups of coffee. Birds green trees

In the blue shade, the sun gambols from one wallTo another like a gazelle

The water in the clouds has the unlimited shape of what is left to us

Of the sky. And other things of suspended memories

Reveal that this morning is powerful and splendid,

And that we are the guests of eternity.
-Translated by Marjolijn De Jager.
Source

when the dust ,sands and pebbels cover his body

his words will rise awake from the minds of those people

who belive in freedom-------------Biju syed--------

Yeh Raaten ,yeh mausam.........

the song thatz haunting me ,smooth,with pathos hidden some where but its a love duet well cant figure out y ? but i juz like the feel.sung by ashaji and kishore da ,movie dilli ka thug..

Yeh raaten, yeh mausam,
nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Kaha do dilon ne,ke milkar kabhi hum na honge judaa
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam,nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Yeh kya baat hai, aaj ki chandni mein
Yeh kya baat hai, aajki chandni mein
Ke hum kho gaye, pyaar ki raagani mein
Yeh bahon mein baahen,yeh behkinigahen Lo aane laga zindagi ka maza
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara, yeh chanchal hawa
Sitaron ki mehfil ne karke ishara
Sitaron ki mehfil ne karke ishara
Kaha ab to sara jahaan hai tumhara
Mohabbat jawaan ho, khula aasman ho Kare koi dil arzoo aur kya
Yeh raaten, yeh mausam,nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchal hawa
Kasam hai tumhe,tum agar mujhse roothe
Kasam hai tumhe, tum agar mujhse roothe
Rahe saans jab tak ye bandhan na toote
Tumhe dil diya hai, ye wada kiyahai
Sanam main tumhari rahoongi sada
Yeh raaten,yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara,
yeh chanchalhawa Kaha do dilon ne,
ke milkar kabhi hum na honge judaa Yeh raaten,
yeh mausam, nadee ka kinara,yeh chanchal hawa

IN-TO-ME-I-SEE,,,confession & a b-day wish

Intimacy is IN-TO-ME-I-SEE, how true, its what I see in me, how I see myself is how I see others, only some one who loves thy self can love others and I was seeing in to me and I saw many a lovely beautiful souls .I did not have the knowledge when I started falling in love with that guy on the mirror but why? Cuz I was all a sudden surrounded by people who said they loved me, not that i wasnt loved before nor they did not care for me before but here are a bunch of people who said that they loved me and I felt that the guy on the mirror wasn’t as bad as I & others projected him to myself. He was good and bad, helpful and a pain in the back, was kool and senseless but then who isn’t?have we ever given a thought that we are just human ,flesh, blood, bones a good percentage of water and that brain to top it all which decides what’s bad and good ,who’s good and bad …so its like this Sunday and Mondays ,Sunday is a good day ,you don’t have to work but Mondays are shit ,but who named them Sundays and Mondays and who made Sunday a holiday and then Monday the next day after Sunday ..well self explanatory isn’t …….its all in our mind ,a man who works 24x7 gets a day off and he wishes for a comedy cinema where he does not take his brain along in to the cinema hall, while another so called intellectual wishes for a serious cinema where in language and culture is so foreign to him/her ,well the best part is he/she never has a clue that they have been watching the second reel first and the first reel after the interval cuz they believe that’s serious cinema. No one complains cuz they are intellectuals and what if the so called human error (operator) wasn’t an error, thats what they have in their mind. So does anyone have any say? when it comes to me and my character good or bad ? Neither do I have any say on others but then we keep sayin don’t we, damn we humans …………………


So the shield of diplomacy was doing the job and even though I had my WHAT is it all about MOMENT, but then my foot! I don’t give a damn, am here for the fantabulous and no ones bringing me down. But was that it? No, no wishes were always cruel to me but then let me not go bouncing on that topic cuz am not that perfect,,,,,,,,,,,,,, some one reading this, I mean all those who have raed everything above this paragraph would say , ohhh he is sooo sweet, saint of peace but I spill that few lines on what happened during these fantabulous times then you would just spit over my face but then I have always accepted that am as normal as you and the others. And right and wrong has a thin line in between, insanity and intellectual has a thin line on between too. So what do you think? Should I say something that will let your mouth puke on my face haaaaaa well the grey or is it the dark side of me. but somewhere down ,hidden in my heart or is it the brain and I felt if not this something else ,I had to do that and no one was affected no one and if there is some one then its me cuz I needed some nights extended to have a sleepless night to do my self confession. NO I will never spill the bean not cuz some one will hate me but cuz I will start hating the whole system of existence, damn ….. Am among the worst when it comes to digging up a ditch to hide my pain, anger and confessions.



Ahhhhh …..that was inspiration at its best ,did I write some thing good or what?...ah yup its Farzuz b day tomorrow ,Farzhana in Arabic means intelligent and she is ,talks a bit ,but that bits do have some sense ,quite a genius in math’s .I did let out a few thoughts on to that little brain of hers already jam-packed with electrical circuits and motors. She accepted a few debated on a few
Got a mind of her own, she cud do well in teaching or may be in some R&D, just my views, any way who am I, My head is full of junk.

missing friday found on the road side

The butcher boy proved that words r’nt needed to pass on a message, or was it that I felt like that and my inner voice whispered like the guy on the mirror? it cud have been the other me asking that quwstion at the funeral,,he is makin me insane.


Friday 8th Aug AUH ,that one day of the week that was missing in my calendar for a long time and I happened to bump on to It today,11 am I felt that I had my head run over by some two wheeler ,should have been a dream ,opened my eye but it was kind of dark then I heard a wild cry ,it was Sohail my nephew he had slipped off from his bunk bed his bum on my face . 8.30 pm that’s when I got out of the house, had a fag walked a while and there stood this minivan being stuffed with a load of beautiful dames, some night club dancers .I stood there for a while, reason is obvious, good looking gals but after a few min’s I was struck by a few thoughts, who are all these? What has forced them to be where they are now? It could be that fraction of second incident that could have been the reason .they have their families ,father ,mother sisters and brothers or may be there could be one among them missing and that could be the reason or may be the men in their lifes.anyways they know better ,but still what’s going on in their minds? Am quite curious.

my sister? home options Cluster 3

I did read my own blog and I was not a bit shocked to gather the debris of spelling mistakes but for some reason I did not want to correct it .

So the love pathos state of mind did not stay for long cuz I was rediscovering myself .my daily routine was something new. the first day of my stay in EPK was a bit uncomfy .night I had to go stay at my elder cousins home .I slept on the hall with all windows open to get some air, by night my aunt made sure that the bad spirits did not enter the room via the window to attack me, she closed the windows. I was doomed. so by next night I was sharing the bed with Farzin the rock & roll fan .So the feel was slowly creeping in ,waking up @ fathy brushing ,tea then went to wish my mom a good morn and again a tea ,bath @ fathys ,dress washed and pressed ready to get it ,well the feel was creeping in ,,,,FANTABULOUS ! , Farzu had her Sunday computer classes well I made sure she did not have any of those until my journey back. Black tea ginger flavored farzu special, she quite sacrificing’ ly gave me the magic portion of her wonder tea. The angels landed @epk so once again Fantabulous; farhan hit epk from Chennai all for the marriage. Angels quite jealous over the fact that farzu got closer with me, quite natural.

Once long back when was quite away from the relations, I happened to buy a chicken from a shop near our ngl home and the butcher boy all of a sudden pointed his fingers on to the road and was talking with me “look is that your sisters and kids", I was like who me? Ru talking to me? My sisters in Abu Dhabi, no man Ur uncles daughter look, I just had a glance and faced him said no man I don’t know them. He was like, well heres Ur chicken. And years after I was at the same sister’s house crowded waiting for the coffin carrying her husband’s body …..there I met Jessina and Sana …I scribbled wat I saw….like this…

THE INEVITABLE
saw her face,
those restless eyes
Busy hands on a piece of paper
trying to draw a senseless piece of art
but it meant a lot to her
a daughter’s depiction of her father
a father gone far away promising her a doll
now he is back, promise broken but why?
She did not knowa day she will never forgot
or is it that,will never fade from her thought’s
she saw her weeping motherand wished never seeing that again
people poured in from all cornersto their small house,
distant relativesdistant by relation and communication
she smiled at them but no courtesy was shown
she saw her ever complaining grandmother besides her sister,
a rare sight the usual evening after school was missing
she saw her sister being kissed by her grandmother
everything was new to her that day
no one asked her to do her homework
she felt sad for her mother
assuming that she hurt herselfyoung and ignorant,
my heart bled for her
she did not know the darkness that lay ahead
she did not know the reality that would bite one day
she did not know the depth of her lossthe table,
her play centre was occupied
by a long box under a dying 40 watt bulb
people peeping in to it ,
what are they searching?
She questioned herself,
one day she will get an answer
she was in her usual mood
she did not know that every one pitied her
everyone saw her with sympathetic eyes
she did not know that every one knew something,
about her that she did not know
where will she be in a few years?
What will she be when she grows up?
Who will make her feel protected?
Who will she look up to when she is in a crisis?
Will all these be unanswered question?
For me it was becoming more unbearable
to see her ignorance
to see her when she will long for the lost love
the day will come not far away
the pain of knowing that
there is no one to lead her no one to cuddle her.
Death is inevitable but then,
a father for a daughter is more than inevitable...


After the burial I saw him again, the butcher boy and he said “now you know your sister don’t you?”

Mirror again, and the guy on the mirror is asking me awkward questions.
“so dude u did not know them?...well I knew them but cant recollect the past, had heard about Zhaira akka but,,,, but I was late,, so late or else I could have seen the happy side of her, the he mirror said” pathetic man what kind of a family is this?” yes pathetic, u and me r pathetic …he said yes sorry dude …..


Happy, yes this time around I saw a happy Zairah akka, quite a treat to be with her doing those butcher English of hers, FANTABULOUSSSSSSSS…….

chosen one,fathy babes,toilet sleeprs ,yesterday

All of sudden love became the topic for that guy whom I see on the mirror in front of me, he kept on asking me questions:-love that which is not expressed, is it worth? No, it’s more or less like a letter that never got posted. Is physical love a must to share ones love for each other? Hmmmm ru talking about sex? No! Get that out of Ur mind my dear reflection. What is I Ur reflection? Can’t you see u doin the same as I do. Is it so how sure are you cuz I believe that u doing what am doin.k so its not sex ? Nope .hmmm is it something like kissing cuddling, like you do to kids? Yes …well I believe words need not be exchanged when you cud just hold someone’s hand in such a manner that a million message could pass through that warm touch. Son to a mother, father to the son, daughter to any one, touch, and a hug could send in messages far more clear than words form your vocal thru mouth. Well Ru doin that? Hmmm not much cuz I see the older generation having a problem with this kind of expression.wont you ask me y? Oh come on y don’t you hit the target rather than hitting the bush? K k ….hmm thatz cuz you know the world better than they do. You confusing me .oh come on think about it.




Well am still at EPK ,strolled towards SPS home (sps is one of my uncles, peers dad) a house awaiting for that chosen one ,the wedding flavor I sensed ,the people I met ,words they shared ,I inhaled the air of hope.
Cease fire, olive on the dove’s beak, some thing missin? ya Peer asked me to do that ,lights for the grooms adobe ,here we go ….stroll a few yards am at Fathy babes house (fathima my cous) ,give her a frequency and just a hint of a news she will pass it on with damn clarity .There she was tube light as her middle name ,the math’s genius Farzu ,quiet she was when I met her long back but now shez become more out going so I cud kill some time ,chess,pallankuzhi and a bit of gossip. the others followed Farzin the guy who keeps a time table for his day to day duty but never follows it.farzu needs pillow on four sides of her to sleep while Farzin needs a few people near him when he sleeps, he gave me a few sleepless nights .I bet, any one who could spend a night by his side then come meet me the next day and promise me that you will dare to spent the night again with him.hez a rock and roll fan I suppose. Have you seen any one sleeping inside the toilet with an alarm clock by his side well I have seen 2 of them ,one is Farzin and the other is me. Runs in the blood...


Well, well I just forgot some one, the gal who gave me a ride huh and I heard Beatles singing in my ears….


Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
there’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.

Dyslexia,julia roberts & blood on the knife (Cluster-1

I am a slow starter, if tare zameen par was produced when I was at my primary school then I would have been suspected to be having dyslexia,, well but the funny part is I never flunked .I have been riding bike and occasionally cars all through but never had a license, this time I wanted to make a 50 % try on that, well I did get it.


The roads have changed ,streets have changed but the ppl of ngl still the same ,with the same warmth and pleasantness ,those faces I have forgotten smiled at me they enquired about me and my siblings .I started walking ,I love to walk around ngl but my old buddies ,ya the same old auto wallas were influencing me to sit behind them. Went to check the rooms at Harris nadar ,notin to check cuz we were regular customer there and the reception guy knew me well cuz long back during a winter we ,gang of outlaws , booked 3 rooms with a a few cartons of the booze made a scene out there. Got my sim card as promised by sanjay,his mom Gladys aunty dropped in to hand it over me,Sithiz angels kept on ringing me ,i just wished if I had a few wings to fly off to the angels but then I did not even have a cycle huh .Cake world; got a pair of packed sweets ,went to Jamila Mamis house ,these are relations even though we are not related ,relations that stood through all the realities ,when the real relations where no where to be seen ,through thick and thin. My sisters ,yup my own sisters Shabna and Shabaz ,these two were once the reason for all our smiles and here I am to meet them.Shabna’s maturity was clear in her face but she’s getting shorter ,she’s in her second year engineering GOSH! I was getting old, I thought.Shabaz hit the ceiling shez in her first year I just can’t believe it, shez the same Julia Roberts as we used to call her. And as a custom I had my lunch over there, I wud have used their dining table more than one at my home. Off I went to sithiz .Felt good, felt wanted, felt fantabulous .Yeah I am counting the fantabulous .Cant say no to cherry can I? Stayed, Gazing stars and describing what ever I know about the Milky Way and gaining what ever she knows. Jazz still rolling her eyes, Woman look the most beautiful during pregnancy, I read this some where and saw the beauty, and her face was blooming. Zulu was behind me asking me how I knew that she bunked class and was at her some room at college with her friends ,poor gal she doesn’t know that am good at guesses what do you get from an ex engg student .well the best part was my drama with Nina .Emotional, holy cow .I just let my self free and asked her about her new nokia handset and she exhibited it to me and me as a matter of fact asked her “y do you need this when you already have another ,you aint going out y don’t you give this to Zulu?”
Off she went, I not even in my wildest dream thought she wud cry like a kid but she did, and it took me more than 3 hours and 2 top up cards for her mobile to pacify her, shez still the same.

Home again ,mom and dad packing to go off to ancestral home ,I let them go and later I took a bus to their destination hmm let me name the place ,its EPK ,from here on I shall use EPK .Changes ,nothing physical but I knew mentally things would have changed .The camps of MA’s family might have gone through some changes .Salaam Manzil ,dads home same as ever ,not much of a memory ,deaths and quarrels is all I remember ,they have known me but I haven’t known any one until a few years back. All I remember about this house is that my aunt (fathers brothers wife) who would prepare that tasty fish curry and lemon pickle and then after that my memory takes a long interval to the body of my brother Sheriff, stiff and motionless, all my aunts and others crying and I cud not stand the tears and wild cries, again I am blank then again my monthly visit to hand over some money to my uncle, sheriff bhais father .each month until he too was no more.

Funny moments too,,,,like when two of my fathers brothers had a fight and the elder one took hold of a big coconut slicing knife and chased his younger brother round the house all the while screaming “I will finish you off” ,my mom and sister were pleading to stop the madness .they both kept on rounding the house and after 5-6 rounds they did not show up and we thought that it was all over and moved to the entrance of the house composing ourselves to witness a cold blooded murder ,alas we saw both the brothers sharing a vessel full of water and in between arguing why the tree was cut off (the reason behind the fight) , felt like chopping both their heads.

Clusters

well as i put forth in the beggining that if i got to pen down my day to day experience then i might forget the password and username of this blog hmmmm i wud liketo amend my statement a bit ,i might write some thing on my life as a cluster rather than piece by piece ,may be that might interest me ,kind of episodes........ppl use blog for different reason and i use it to vent my feelings ,thoughts ,happiness,failures and anything tat needs to hit the blog plate.,,,,,,,

Once again I had a unconventional exit from uae .modular concepts wasn’t such a bad place to work, yes it lacked professional ethics but was a place to learn but the process of learning wasn’t doing any good to the co .loss is not something that cant be said on the same breath as biz but it was doing more than harm to my confidence than any good and I wasn’t able to concentrate on a few personal obligations that topped my list of to do’s. Visa for me was an issue that the co took for granted, my travel expense was sky rocketing and I was fed up with the upper hand taken by a few co workers, any way these are lame excuses for some one like me who has this issue of loosing interest, cant just do the same thing again and again .So I bid goodbye .no gains other than the knowledge that I gained working with Mr. Manoj, a person for whom I have great respect and regards.

Once again airport and the flight ,it was the 1st of June ,2nd June I will be loosing something but the loss is in many ways gain for so many a good souls and so the loss was so sweet that I could still taste it. Peer was getting married on the 2nd of June ,its been a great journey ,a journey through which am glad I was with him ,a sense of fulfillment .He was feeling low as he wanted me to be there the day of his nikah ,his usual stance ,emotional and that’s why I keep on saying that he is an emotional fool but that’s his trademark and there was this call I had in my mobile on the way to the airport ,it was shahistha (I just cant spell her name ) well well well then during that conversation I knew matches are made in heaven .”Where are you? on my way to the airport ,get off the car you aren’t going., what? You can’t do this, you should be there tomorrow” ..........am I wrong when I say matches are made in heaven? Nope.

It’s a wonderful feeling when some one so close to you has their dreams fulfilled .I had plans for the couple but to make things possible I should bring out the best diplomatic side of mine. The sky ward journey was filled with plans; plan a, plan b, c, d e, and f and so on. I wished for a mind-blowingly fantabulous vacation this time, wishes were always cruel to me but I wished like a man who foresaw his date& time of death that at least those final days I could have that small % of fantabulous time.

I was a bit skeptical for all for good reasons; my dads brought his ancestral home so we might have to stay there surrounded by a whole lot of relatives and watz to be expected? Of course we were all getting closer but I did not have an iota of faith in my dad cuz he is the worst when it comes to be or at least act a bit diplomatic. I know my cousins ,call it lack of education or lack of exposure they all speak their mind out and then sit and sulk over it ,so their is always this sword hanging over that strong thread called relations and the sword might snap off that thread any time. am talking to this guy whom I see on the mirror and he has been asking me frightening questions and I keep on replying ,Yes I know ,why ? why should I be so pessimist but don’t you know how this whole family has lost its wonderful moments that could have made our grandpa a happy soul ,to have ,to share ,to cry on a few shoulders ,to play around with your nephews and nieces well I am sure, damn know I have lost a few but am damn sure that I aint gonna loose the rest, come what may , I do not believe in miracles neither I believe in god but yes I do believe in goodness and I felt that their where a few goodness forming a shield around me. I felt my grans around me holding and showing me how to believe in what I can do. There were a lots of them ,I sensed it.They all kept on saying sorry ,they repent on their deeds they wished they could have changed their attitude towards life and others, when they were alive and so they might have chosen me to rectify the repairs they have commited ,even though I kept away from my grans home saying that I might come across all the expired blood and flesh ,in my deepest of the deepest corner of my mind I wished for that room on the right side of the verandah where Sheriff bhai used to live ,where he used to take us and recite us a few stories. I missed him a lot, missed him a lot that I at times I wished that the rest of the relations could have died in compensation to Sheriff Bhai so that he could have stayed back.Its me at time with a cruel mind that goes wild with imaginations.

Landed home, was so happy to meet my buddy jish, ever reliable is what I could say abt him. Went home Ngl ,homes in a mess and I knew the moment I saw the home that my mom was sick so sick that she just cant walk but mentally she has stressed her out to move ,what else the maid of heaven (my brother named her) do. wished I could get married to some one black ,white yellow or green with just one condition to relieve my mom of this damn duty of being the maid of the heaven ,wished I could slap my bro for glorifying her sacrifice in such a way.


Well settled on to my chair, those old friends of mine (books), I have read, re read and I will read them again to be re read them again.
A carton full of Marlboro whites, my laptop over flowing with my fave music and the nights were getting longer or was it that nights were turning out to be my days and days my nights.

lost and found

lol wat am i? but this is watz expected..........loosing interest again ,loosing interest again on all those excercise that fasinated me a few days back ,this blog topped the list huh ,thatz watz expected.hmmmmm ,,,yaaa happened to watch a few movies .quite a serious movie but was so sublime to its core .one was this movie called Mozhi in tamil quite simple theme ,what's goin through a deaf and dumb ladys mind and how we ,the normal people could bring in a change.

the next movie i saw holds a high position in my all time good cinema list "Children of Heaven" iranian movie directed by Majid Majidi ,once again beautifull theme ,brother misplaces sisters shoes,father working over time to make ends meet ,mother sick after 3rd delivery.the brother ,ali and sister zhara decide that they keep this issue of lost shoe a secert not cuz they might get fired by their father but cuz they did not want their father to spend the money that he does not have.they share the same shoe for school .zhara wears for her morning school and ali by afternoon.the movie passes on from one simple issue to another but the beauty is how the kids manage them one by one.a brilliant movie .as one movie buff remarked watch this movie as early as possible cuz there is a rumor that priyadharshan has got the right to remake it in hindi ,,,for god sake priyan ,,justice ,,justice please.....................

did i write anything k hmm try this.......

thousand stars glitter in the night sky
you or me ,you or me..
but no star is as pure as you
i wonder if not for you
stars in the sky would have been just stars
now they bring in glimpses of you
each day ends with the night
and each night i see the stars
i wish i cud plant a kiss on your cheeks
with a whisper of good night
sleep dear ,let heaven pour
the heavenly music on to your ears
sleep ,you have a busy night ahead
glitter the dark sky
let me see you before i die for the day.

The Inevitable

Death during those days meant that i will be left alone @home as my parents have to go for the death house,meant notin to me .the first death that affected me was of my cousin brothers and after a long gap somewhere around 2003 i was involved in the whole process of after death ceremonies .the first of its kind for me and i got inspired by one small girl who happens to be the daughter of the dead guy.who happens to be my cousins husband who died in a freak industrial accident in kuwait,so below is wat i felt was a better work of mine.,,,,

THE INEVITABLE

I saw her face, those restless eyes
Busy hands on a piece of paper
trying to draw a senseless piece of art
but it meant a lot to her
a daughter’s depiction of her father
a father gone far away promising her a doll
now he is back, promise broken
but why? She did not know
a day she will never forgot or is it that,
will never fade from her thought’s
she saw her weeping mother
and wished never seeing that again
people poured in from all corners
to their small house, distant relatives
distant by relation and communication
she smiled at them but no courtesy was shown
she saw her ever complaining grandmother
besides her sister, a rare sight
the usual evening after school was missing
she saw her sister being kissed by her grandmother
everything was new to her that day
on one asked her to do her homework
she felt sad for her mother
assuming that she hurt herself
young and ignorant, my heart bled for her
she did not know the darkness that lay ahead
she did not know the reality that would bite one day
she did not know the depth of her loss
the table, her play center was occupied
by a long box under a dying 40 watt bulb
people peeping in to it , what are they searching?
She questioned herself , one day she will get an answer
she was in her usual mood
she did not know that everyone pitied her
everyone saw her with sympathetic eyes
she did not know that every one knew something,
about her that she did not know
where will she be in a few years ?
what will she be when she grows up?
Who will make her feel protected?
Who will she look up to when she is in a crisis?
Will all these be unanswered question?
For me it was becoming more unbearable
to see her ignorance
to see her when she will
long for the lost love
the day will come not far away
the pain of knowing that
there is no one to lead her
no one to cuddle her.
death is inevitable but then,
a father for a daughter is more than inevitable

..........................................................................................................................................................................

a page off my book titled LIFE

am i filling up the blog ?NO cuz this blog will one day stand testimonial for wat i was made up of ,wat was this man feeling,cud prove tat am not that bad a guy but as normal as any so called good soul,if i was to be asked wat my life was all abt ? my answer wud be some bad times wit bad failures,some good time where i myself was not happy but also the ppl around me were.ultimately by the end of your life its not how much ur bank balance is nor the big posh home u build tat will prove your worth but the loss ,the vacum u have created in many a sad minds.i blv and will always advice tat life is worth living to the fullest ,sucess and failures r just passing they just need a medium and no one is left untouched.on that note here is a page from the book of my life ,i have torn it just for whoever is reading this :

the year 2006

As I boarded the Oman air from Dubai on the 22nd I prayed for the window seat cuz I like to see the ground when the flight takes off I get sooo thrilled to see the wings shake and the pneumatic and hydraulic works goin on them. And then I went down the memory lane ,jaz is getting married the next day ,the reason y I hurried with my resignation and how I challenged my frnds back in rak that I wud be there in India to attend the wedding of my dear jaazzz at any cost. As the flight took off targeting the sky, my mind came down searching for the old chapters of my life, digging deep.


It has always been a dream that I should take part in jazz’s marriage .that gal has influenced me a lot ,she has made me a bit more softer or shud I say all the 4 of them .I hav always been a wild rebel ,never compromising on my principles and ideals never letting any one rule over me ,never letting any one influence me but then she did .my affinity towards girl kids was always there ,always wanted a kid whom I cud pour all my love and affections and that affinity multiplied beyond limit after meeting the 4 of them .its funny though cuz I knew I had a cousin in peer but never had much contact with him until recently but never knew tat he had the privilege of being the chachu of 4 beautiful angels and when I knew, my affection for him grew ,so its like thnx to the 4 angels for letting me share a brotherly relation with peer. there was a time when we (me and peer) wearing half pants moved around our family home hands on each ones shoulder not knowing how we were related talking about life and death (durin our elder cousins death) and then he went his way and me mine. years passed but I still had his face clear in my mind some thing kept on sayin in me “u need to refresh ur relations) but I always hated my family people for the simple reason that as a kid my mind was so hurt wit too much of fights and hatred they had between them .they did not even spare us kids they showed their hatred even to us .it was always like in one camp or the other so u cant go from one camp to other cant speak to them, I hated them all and never wished to meet them ,I wud just run off from the place where these ppl might probably meet ,I had a good nose when it came to the smell of conflict. I did not know who my uncle or aunt were ,I did not address them at all cuz they never addressed me decently, all I remember is the word they used to call me was like “blackies son blackie” as my father was the blackest of them all and me his son was a blackie like him. I cud hav killed them all but 5 0r 6 year old was helpless but my mind which was so plain in those days was already getting filled wit hatred wud always hang on to my mothers pallu ,did never go near any of them ,not a word did I speak to them.
And one evening after years of no contacts our telephone rang giving my mom and dad a bad news saying “sithis husband siraj died in an accident”, me and my sister were dropped off at a family frnds house and our parents left off in a taxi. Did not mean a thing to me cuz i did not know who sithi was nor did I know who siraj was. Our parents came back the next day the same night I heard my father cry, unusual it was, he cried and cried the whole night keeping on sayin “she is still young with 4 kids what kind of a god this is?” this time i felt bad cuz i hate seeing someone cry, i cud go weak on my knees if i see tears in the eyes of any one regardless.

My dad flew back to auh, and one fine day when my brother came we had a taxi ready and my mother asked me to dress up, but I did not want to do so, my brother stared and the next minute I was on the car to kuleshekaram.all I knew was it was peers sisters home and that she has lost her husband in a freak accident. I did not meet sithi akka nor did my brother .my mother did all the consoling and I kept on bugging my brother “watz the point in coming here if we cant meet the person whom we have come to meet?”,stare again my mouth was sealed .my mom came out, we had to leave .car started moving and all of a sudden my mom said to me “look .look sithis kids ,three of them goin to the madrasa”.the first face that I pictured was tat of soumy Nina ,that darling of mine ,the other two were so small .my heart felt so heavy when I saw the 3 of them ,I wanted to jump off the car and run towards them shouting “hey angels do u know me? Am ur chachu“.but that did not happen, I was over the car seat looking towards the kids thru the rear window Stare the next moment I sat mouth shut.

Years flew off ,our gang of friends became roadies with bikes in between our legs ,I wud have gone past the same house a number of times and each time I passed thru I wud set my eyes for a glance of the 3 kids, never did I see them. And I knew if I wud search this way I wud never meet them at all.

Years flew again ,I went off to Chennai for college, my dad in the mean time retired and getting to know his roots ,peers father expired .peer was getting closer to my dad cuz peer opted for a degree in commerce like my father .and my dad became his guardian of sort.soumy Nina was teasing my dad ,her grandpa by ringing him up and askin whether he knew her ,so some kind of good vibes started growing in the family, nothing unusual in our family cuz the whole of our native people wud say “MA (my granpa) ,MA’s family wud fight during a wedding and reconcile during a death funeral” funny isn’t it ,some one has to get married for the family to fight and the someone has to die to reconcile ,crazy morons.

One fine morning I came back from Chennai and what I saw was a small gal taking care of my toddler nephew, she was so cute and I all of a sudden was able to relate with her. My mom told look she is sithis daughter the last one, I asked her name, she said sherin banu and in latter years still now MY CHELLAM. The same day we had to attend a family wedding, even in good mood I wud say no wedding functions please they are a waste of time but when my mom said peer wud be there and even sherin wud go off after the wedding, I kept my principles aside and went with them. Met my dear bro, my soul keeper, and my friend and punch bag there after a looong looong time. After marriage he insisted that I go with him to kuleshekaram even my mom wanted me to go.

I said to my self “well then times have changed the old ones hav gone, no more fights during wedding, hope it does not go the other way down and the MA family fight during death funerals and reconcile during weddings”. Off we went to kuleshekaram.









The same house that I have gone past several times on my way to tirparaappu falls with my friends, the same roadsides were I wished to see those three angels I have seen years before. A well made house, rich in all sense.
I said to my self “the four gals r blessed, they are lucky but even god envied them and so he just took away their father”

As I entered the house I felt some kind of a relief ,a fullness ,and a sense of fulfillment ,after a looong looong time I met sithi akka ,even though I did not remember her face I cud just get a flashing picture of her in my mind but am not sure whether I wud have identified her before this somewhere else.Surmi was the first one I met ,I hav heard her name before ,I mean a long time ago .the reason am so specific about her name is cuz the words that reached my ear durin those days of siraj bhais death was that as soon as he was hit by the truck he kept on repeating her name “surmi, surmi, surmi till his last breath.the moment peer pointed at her and said “this is surmi ” my mind and mouth went dry and heart filled with some kind of a heaviness. but even there I was searchin for that face that kept on haunting me for all the years ,that face which had much maturity even at that young age ,soumy i knew the name ,my mother used to say how soumy used to ring up my dad and keep on bugging him ,the chatter box .But I did not expect that it was not these three gals who gonna change my world upside down but the other one .the first, jasmine ,am a slow starter when it comes to new frnds and relations that to a bit grown up gal ,it took time for me to connect with her but the slower the firmer she started influencing me ,to an extent that at one period of time I cud go talk with real strangers cuz they resembled jazz , slowly we started to talk and I saw so much goodness in her that I just cursed my self for being so late in getting to know her.her crooked smile ,rolling eyes and the way she stretched my name from one end to another whenever we met, bichuuuuuuuuuuuuu.my fondness for black tea became her trump card I wud get it the next moment when am at the sithis manzil.she never let me wear a soiled dress always willing to wash and press them for me.each time I lit up a cigarette she wud ask me for a puff and I did offer ,she wud take up one puff and say “quit it mama ,its not good”. In a short span of time she became my frnd rather than a niece, we talked about everything and she never let me feel uncomfortable always there to ask me what’s in need.


There she was getting ready for her wedding and I got no chance to make it in time, I made up mind to get satisfied with whatever video coverage peer wud bring back after marriage. My plan was to quit my job and hit India by mid June, reasons were many .finance ,a new job and the two frnds of mine who wud hit India by mid June ,gonna see them both after 3 years cant miss the chance. May 17 peer took the flight to India I did not even think about me being there for the wedding but I kept on sayin this to a frnd of mine that I wish I cud see jaaz clad in those expensive sari and her beaming face glaring off all those jewellerys and camera flashes. But I knew that’s not gonna happen. May 18th rang up sithi manzil jaaz asked me when am gonna be there in India, I got no answers but some thing told me “say, say it to her u gonna be there on the 23rd morning right on time say it to her damn it”. May 19th gave my resignation, rang up my cousin who is a big shot in the company, he promised me that things wud go smooth not to worry, words got stuck in between my teeth and cheeks, I wanted to ask him to some how finish off everything a bit soon so that I cud be there for the 23rd wedding. But me being what I am and all these years working in the company I did never go to him asking any favors even when I was goin thru the worst phase of my life when every evening under the shower I was not able to identify my tears from the water, never knew whether it was the tears or just the water from the shower that I was having a bath. by 19th evening I broke that principle of mine of never to ask a person a favor who has given u more that what u hav expected, I pleaded to him sayin “23rd morning I got to be there so that I cud attend the wedding” he was like “WHATTTT impossible” and I said “but u gonna do this for me and am damn sure about it”...he just let his fingers move thru his fast balding hair line and said “ring me up in the morning”. morning I was damn prompt 8 o clock poor chap I did not let him hav his bath,,, he asked me to run towards the technical directors office, got hold of one of my colleagues mo bike a Honda power engine,, vrooooooom on the way picked up the Italian technician dropped him at al-hambra hotel gave him a 300 aeds which he did not accept for a some champagne.
Met mr jaykumar our tech director along with my tech manager both of them wanted to know y I gotta quit ,y biju whatz the problem ,we cud solve it ,we cud revise the salary and ur position ,all I gotta say was I gotta be there by 23rd morning,jayakumar rang up my cousin and had a chat wit him and after tat signed my resignation and for one last time said ,any thing biju anything cud be solved just tell me ,I just said 23rd sir I gotta be there....bid goodbye to both of them ,dropped in my documents ,went for cancellation of my visa came back picked up simone the Italian ,a bag in within 5 champagne bottles we had stuffs put near our new site .made arrangements for tickets ,got my settlement money everything paid in cash as per instruction from mr.jayakumar ,I said to my self thnx cousin ur a gem of a person. I did not stand to hear how much was the settlement money just took it. Now I got the bad news, ticket ready for 21st but the passport has not yet come back after cancellation, my frustration had no measure, went straight to Mr Jayakumar while I had my cousin on telephone informin both of them about my passport. the personnel department ppl came in search of me literally lifted me off from there and started pleading “please .please MR syed u can catch ur flight on the 22nd please ,,”.I was getting more confident about me being there on the 23rd morning. I said with an air of command “ok guys but make sure u get me the best flight”...


21st night was farewell for me champagne, wine and fun ,,,ppl I least expected came up with some speech or something ,there was lots happening but my mind was filled with the beaming face of jaazzz and I punched the air shouting YES ,,,,,,

22nd Dubai airport

23rd morning 6 am IST trivandrum airport, 11am wedding hall, there she was clad in that expensive sari .I felt that my eyes were gettin a bit moist but nothing mattered other than the smiling face of my jaazz, the other 3 were happy to see me but I shud admit no one was more happier than jaaz herself when I nodded my head giving a thumbs up.

26th jazz wud leave to her hubbys house ,the last time I felt a bit bad on such an occasions was when my sister bid goodbye to me after her marriage, the day before and on the morning of 26th jaazz was literally chasing me she wanted to talk and be the same old gal but I kept on disappointing her ,dont know y may be cuz i did not want to look gloomy after shez gone ,don’t know y .and when the time came to bid goodbye she looked at me rolling her eyes giving me that crooked smile without even spilling a word she conveyed what she had to “am leaving mama ,please do come and visit me whenever u can”. She was gone, I did not want anyone to see me anymore nor did I want to see anyone, packed my bags and bid goodbye to everyone, gloominess showed all thru but I kept my smile intact,

Bye dear, all I expect is that u have a happy life filled with all the joys and happiness nothing else is more important to me or to peer, bye dear


And then I knew wat a relation is all about and how it cud withstand all other hurdles in the form of a bad, quarreling family history. I don’t believe in fate cuz for me its deeds tat come first and its the deeds that finalize ur fate but here am confused was it fate or the deeds tat made me sentimentally attach with these gals .God exist or else there wud never be a mother , a sister or a wife for men ,blessed r the men for they hav women in their life’s to inspire and be the pillar of strength and am blessed ,blessed to be loved by such ppl without whom I wud hav been like the man of the stone age,,,,,,,,thnx dear ,a million thanks to u ,u made me feel and live like the chosen one.

puke

there are few moments in ones life tat make u think and re think whether r not to let others know it ,i had them too.i blv that i fortunately or unfortunately have this quality that when i write abt my self i just open up or to be more in my terms i puke my life out,open book they call it one such moment is puked down below:

19/02/08
9.30 pm
This thought has passed my mind a numerous time, but today was different, after 28 years in the world nearing the 29th is like on the verge of tasting the seed of the mango while all these years I was eating the fruit. There must be a reason behind my birth, I must settle on to some thing that could lead me in to fulfilling that reason. But like writers block even my fate and the life which the fate decides is blocked indefinitely. Yes today was different from the other such days when the thought of my unsuccessful life has come to a point where I have started to loose the belief in me as I have started hearing voices of unknown saying what a waste my life has been .This got to stop somewhere ,either this unsuccessful life or just this life. When you walk all alone from your work place towards a shelter that you are not sure how long? Thoughts just philander with you .And as I walked along i was drained off my mental strength as well as physical .Now where do I stop? I was adamant that I stop no where, I wanted this pain, and I wanted this melancholic feel.

If you were reading a novel the author would add in the back ground of this 29 year old making sure that the readers understands why this guy has to feel what he is feeling now .But then this is no novel and there is no writer, this is life ,pure life .

well no good reason i cud give y i was feelin so low on the above mentioned day......

now here is some one else's puke:

20/02/08
7:15 pm
After a meeting at Dubai healthcare city which never happened or to be precise I got missed out, i went straight to the site where Haridas and our driver khan were getting ready to finish of the day so here I am I need not walk today back home. It has always been fun and laughter when Haridas was around, even though being a senior to me by miles we had no problem in sharing a cig or a few adults jokes. A few days back he was hospitalized for a mere heart attack,
Mere??Yes mere heart attack was what he described it as .Today we had ample time to talk and laugh, he was talking about his life pre –Gulf .he went on like this.....
I was taking up railway contracting works while I was working with blue star air conditions ,my sister being a civil engineer it was easy for me to take a license and as usual in India I would do some under-the –table deals and get the work done so obviously the quality of work was below average and all through I was using my sisters signatures for all the work as she was the license holder and when one such project got screwed up due to some premature damage in the railway bridge ,my sister got a warrant from the court and was asked to pay the compensation .My sister never knew that she signing a few papers in the beginning would lead her in front of the court ,even though I tried to calm her up she did not forgive me and still hasn’t till to date .Then I had to transfer her license to another name in the meantime I did a few more under the table and cleaned up the whole mess. And on one such issue of a railway project I was in deep shit as the person who was supposed to sign my invoice and payment release has been transferred and was replaced with some son of the soil who apparently has won some medal from the then president of India that simply meant that I was doomed .I had to meet him get the papers signed but he was adamant that he has to inspect the whole project, doomed I was. Can I bribe him? Will he accept it? And as per a friend from the railways instruction I prepared myself the day before Onam, jam-packed my car with all vegetables and other such onam specials. After ringing the bell I stood there with all those stuffs which by now was like a market at the doorsteps.the door opens and there stands the man asking me “what all these”? I with all my innocence said “sir its onam and all these stuffs are from my estate ,thought you will need them” he roared “ bloody are we related to each other or what?” get lost and don’t forget the inspection will happen as planned ” as he was saying this I saw some one near the window laughing a laugh that tested the real me ,I could have ripped that mans stomach open for what I was , I had the money ,I had no fear and no one ever has stood against me. My blood boiled up after seeing that smile on her face who happens to be the engineer’s daughter.

Now I was in deep shit, once again under-the-table for a few people at the railways I was able to rectify the whole issue and made sure that the site was ready for the engineer’s inspection .But my mind was in a rage, furious as that smile kept on coming back to me. Haridas interrupted the story as he had a call coming form India ,he spoke on the phone for a while and came back informing me that it was his wife on the other side. He continued with the story and I was not complaining as we were still stuck in the traffic of sharjha .So he continued....
I being a person who was born in to a family where money was never a problem and nothing was impossible was not able to digest that smile that came from the girls face .I wanted to teach her a lesson .I with a help from a few railway friends faked a birthday party and made sure that the girl came exactly on the day of the inspection .A car ready with the ignition on and a friend on the wheel ,it was kidnapping pure kidnapping off we went .the terrified girl tried to open the door ,I pulled out a gun off my pocket ,a licensed one that my uncle used during his estate visits .She had nothing to do anymore .This is my moment of glory ,by tomorrow morning yours and your fathers smile will fade off for ever and I swear that I will not touch you nor will I disturb you but that’s the beauty because you will be crucified for no reason .Off we went to mysore .

The next morning Indian Express had my name and the gals photo in it ,my job was over she was free to go .But she wouldn’t ,she wanted to die ,she begged me to kill her ,my problems got doubled up. Back in Cochin the girls brothers have received quotation form my life they would prepare a purchase order any moment but then whom ever they send the PO I will come to know because there is no bigger scoundrel than me in Cochin. But that was not my worry this girl will not leave. Either she will commit suicide or will make me kill her.

By this time we have reached sharjha and I had to get down off the car, Dhas Bhai what happened after that was my question .The car did not move in the traffic, his mobile rang again. Car started moving.
He said “what happened? cant you see that am talking with my wife ,wife who was consequence of that one mysore trip ”and before the car faded off in to the traffic he said “look I never indented to get married nor did I have any bad intention before taking off with the girl but this was destined to happen and it had ,and my wife of whom I am still not sure about the religion caste or creed feels that we had to meet up like that 27 years before to be man and woman for the rest of our lifes”.I stood there like a nail hammered on to hard wood .No more words to say ,but then all those people who have their roots at the south of south India where mother India washes her feet off both the Arabian sea and bay of Bengal had that IT thing in them to live life on the edge...........I happily accepted the invitation to meet Mrs. & Mr. Haridhas & family at their Bangalore residence by June.

top picks...........hmmmmm topics

bad habit ...i write when i write i mean i over write when i have the feel hmmm is it bad ? hope not.so wats my topic today or is it tonight? anyways i got some topics and am findin answers here i gooo

Family

Why this topic all of a sudden ? cant give a specific answer as this topic for me is not new ,its been there somewhere in me for a long time, well people who know me consider me a good friend with a good ear and as far as i know only a good fiend can be a part of a family.a good friend out side the family circle will be a better family guy these are my views.yes a network that you manage in ur friends circle will help you in managing the network called family.....
Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

Father and son ....
Well quite a confusing title for me to comment on but the below quote will say a thousand storyz of what i have in my mind.

It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.
~Johann Schiller

Nuclear family..


Hmmm tatz wat we all know and tatz wat our parents wanted and now we wish we cud break it atleast for the weekends but alas small people with big egos ,even weekeds we spend with our nuclear family ,the television sets eating our brain ,lots on the table but no one to share ,questions in ur brain ,no one to ask.thatz the situation ,qoute suits the best.
Nobody has ever before asked the nuclear family to live all by itself in a box the way we do. With no relatives, no support, we've put it in an impossible situation.
~Margaret Mead





Is this why?................................

Family quarrels are bitter things. They don't go by any rules. They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal ...
~F. Scott Fitzgerald



wish we cud give this to our next gen,,,b4 tat let us get well with our roots ,,,all thru your life someone might have dragged you to your roots and would have made you do a prejudice on each everyone of them but dont you think now that you sud do ur own diggin up and get close to the roots ? yes better do it cuz u have a set of eye ,ear and u have the sense so u better do it urself ,past is not for us but future is for everyone wat do ya think ?

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
~Erma Bombeck

Remember....................
The family is one of Nature's masterpieces.
~George Santayana

Vaffanculo brutta

gap ....hmmm gapz ,wasnt able to get online as i was @ the hospital singin a farewell song to my 15 year old pain or sud i say tat one thing tat made me feel tat am human too ,well am talking abt the bulge on my left hand some where near my small finger ,anesthesia and stuffs ,nurses trying to get a vien out off my bulky hands ,seen a many OT's (operation theaters) befor installed many an ot lights ,control panels ,nurse call systems, medical gas units and never did i ever feel tat some day i might be half dead half alive lyin on the ot bed being operated ,everything went off fine ,no pain .but wen the crazy nurse pulled off the sticky tape oof my hairy hands to remove that sryinge i just used the swear word on her ,thank god she did not understand (vaffanculo brutta).well am gonna miss that one piece of me ,my pain that made me feel human.

party cinema and gettin pissed off

i got lost in a marriage function,not my way of spendin a day but then when its jazz whos invited me i just cant say no,started from our ancestral home wit a bus full and day b4 that was quite a enjoyable one ,me ,my nieces and nephews had a small party with tattu dosa ,rasa vada and omlete ,played chess wit farzu quite a tube light she is ,well it was fun.the previous day Farhan came up wit the idea of goin for dasavatharam ,we planned for the second show at kaliyakavilai ,news spread like wild fire everyone wanted to come .i knew i wudnt be able handle this alone so pulled in my cousin ,he was ok wit the idea and we did watch the movie takin the AC box 15 of us kids went ga ga and started over reacting,well the movie was ok tatz all i wish to say.if kamal is serious abt good cinema then he sud rope in serious directors fine who am i to comment on that.on the other side am gettin pissed of by my source wish he cud understand others feelings.

Zikr

The sound of Zikr from bose the forgotten hero by ARR have become some kind of an addiction to me nowdays ,after that tooth brush incident i have made sure that i take good care of my other accessories too .with a bad cough and irritating chest filled with disgusting mucus i went on to get my first pankaja kasturi.Atlast i might get my driving license ,its been years that i have been without one.

Wow watta composition Bose –the forgotten hero ,sad that the movie did not do well.i just love the way each track has been decorated with some outta word arrangements ,trumpets ,obe ,strings and percussion .me nota religious person but i have been singing the zikr track as if i am possessed ,i feel as if am a sufi saint .

I was wonderin y ,y should i do this blog and then i came up with the answer “i need to fight myself out of a few bad qualities that i have never considered bad for me”,,,Faith is wat makes the world go round and round ,and this 5 letter word is what i dont have Faith in any thing even in me .Few say its God hmmmmm i need to stick to something real soon but i need it to be so personal cuz religion ,god and spirituality is so personal

zikr hai behatar nafarat se
zikr hai behatar Gafalat se
zikr hai behatar hujjat se
zikr hai behatar Giibat se
(Zikr is better than hatred)
(Zikr is better than carelessness)
(Zikr is better than disobediance)
(Zikr is better than saying bad things)

zikr aman hai,
zikr hai fatah,
zikr shifaa hai,
zikr hai dawaa
(zikr is peace.
zikr is Victory.
zikr is Healing.
zikr is the Cure)

so then watz Zikr?
Sounds like a cool word. Zikr, looks pretty neat in Arabic script.Zikr, according to the book Fiqh-Us-Sunnah by Sheik Sayyed As Sabeeq, mentions that, "All words of praise and glory to Allah, extolling His Perfect Attributes of Power and Majesty, Beauty and Sublimeness, whether one utters them by tongue or says them silently in one's heart, are known as Zikr or remembrance of Allah



hmmmm well thatz for to day ,hope i could do some Zikr .

ohhhhhh pablo

Long time ago ,some time during the mid 80’s i happened to meet this one day old gal ,a small tiny puny fairy ,did not know from where she came from but there she was .i slid my small fingers on to her palm ,she grabbed it hard and i like a fool started jumping thinking that she grabbed it just cuz it was me .She grew, she turned out to be my lively toy to play around and fool around. she flew off abruptly only to come back fed with a few word in her brain ,went round and round askin me to marry her .i just moved off cuz i hated the idea .slowly she became some kind of an allergy for me ,she was not to blamed ,i knew but i need to run .and so i ran ......the last time i did talk with her ,and when the mid 80’s passed off to mid 90’s and then to the 2k’s slowly i felt that i was being so unfair to her and i apologized by writing in a few lines for her ,as usual am not much of a talker but a better paper ,pen man. she kept on supplying the pens and papers and so i wrote and she wrote and at last she wrote and suggested that we fall in to that adam ,eve’s feelings( i for you and you for me) ,and i knew from Pablo Neruda that love is short but then forgetting is too long, well then one fine dark night she suggested that i should start forgetting so that may be some day i shall forget ...........ohhhh pablo ,pablo..........u surely were heart broken when you wrote that poem .wish i could i say and you could hear me say “love is short but then death is infinite and i prefer death”

brusin my teeth tommorow

after three dayz of search i aborted my mission of geting back my tooth brush and exactly at 20:30 hrs i was @ the supermarket (?) here in nagercoil ,got a tooth brush,well i need to brush my teeth tommorow .

along the way i came across an old scribblin of mine ,taking no chances this time am goin to safe gaurd it this time cuz only time will judge or should i say wine gets the taste as time goes by :

Gypsy on the road
Am like this gypsy on the road
Picking up the thrown aways
Or forgotten to pick those things they lost
Memories are the thrown away
And am picking them up one by one
The most ugliest ,the most precious
And the most treasured, all lying down
And when the sun comes down
I walk away carrying all those ugly things
While you have all the treasured precious ones .
P.S Biju syed

ya ya i know i sud update on the previous blog hmmmm i did get a response and thatz it ,well i wished i could hit to the booze house and drink and drop dead but i did not ,well times are changing and so am i ,cuz the change is wat we are.....................................

What the world, in the form of experiences and accidents

Bestowed upon me, I am returning…

Sahir......

Me? who me ? no am in peace

na sataish ki tamanna na silay ki parwah,
gar nahin hain mere ashar main maane na sahi
Translated in English as
Neither a craving for appreciation,
nor a caring for reward,
If my verses are meaningless, so be it
Ghalib..


it did not take me much time to understand that if i where to pen in my daily routine in this blog then i would just abrubtly finish of this blog and then forget the username and password ,Ah yes some thing kool happened ,after a loooong loong time i finished reading a book Black Friday (a documentary on the bombay blast) ,hmmmm am still havin the startin problem may be cuz i got a few issues that am tryin to solve ,i did contact the person involved the issue to help me out ,seemz like she is not interested but i feel am clear from my side ,,,well well i got other stuffz to do so maaaa salaaama ,,,(hope i continue this blog)

y Gypsy

Y Gypsy ? well y did i choose gypsy ,hmmmm mentally i feel like a gypsy cuz i have never been had any fixation towords anything ,i just move along with the wind (mentally) .And the other reason is that am so fasinated about the Gypsyz ,their way of life and the principles they hold.well i juz dont wanna go on and on abt my title,i just want you to know that am just like a gypsy.
so as they say this is juza beginining so here i am doin wat i was supposed to do a long back ,wish whoever passes by my blog would take me along to some place which could be the destination am in search of..........ma salaaama